How to Get Out of Shape, or, What I've Been Doing the Last Three Weeks

So I hopped on the scale today and found that in the last three weeks or so, I've gained about 4 lbs. of fat.

It's about damned time.

You see, about a month ago I woke up, walked over to my mirror and took a long, hard look at myself wearing just a pair of boxer briefs.  My arms and legs looked powerful, my shoulders resembled cannonballs and a six-pack was actually peeking through. In short, I was starting to look way too fucking sexy.

"This can't be!" I screamed at the shimmering, golden barbarian that stood before me.

That's when I realized something had to be done; I couldn't let my body be sculpted into this...this god.

And so, through great effort, I've managed to convert myself into a lazy, unmotivated shell of a man in just 3 short weeks.

Here are a few tips on how to let go and finally become that worthless slob you've always dreamed of being, along with warnings as to what you should not be doing:

1.  Eat ice cream after every meal.  Seriously.

I went to the grocery store simply for the purpose of buying ice cream just so I'd have something to munch on while watching My Name is Earl on Netflix.  They had a 2 for $7 deal on Edy's, so I stocked up on Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup and Thin Mint (That's right, chocolate ice cream with chunks of the Girl Scouts' Thin Mint cookies.  It's awesome).  There were days when I would eat this stuff after breakfast, lunch and dinner, and sometimes as a post-midnight snack.

What not to do:

Only eat ice cream and other sweet treats on weekly or bi-weekly cheat days or cheat meals, following the principles of leptin expert Joel Marion and fitness king John Romaniello.

2.  Make breads and pasta a staple of your diet, and take in massive amounts of carbs with every meal.

After a personal experiment where I severely limited gluten in my diet, I was feeling fantastic.  My energy levels went up, my brain fog lifted and I just had a general feeling of well-being along with extremely healthy digestion.  My poops were awesome.  All but eliminating gluten was obviously a very, very bad choice, so I started devouring sandwiches as if there were a chance a coupon for one night with Jessica Biel was hidden in between the slices of delicious blood sugar-raising refined grains.

What not to do:

Limit intake of gluten-containing products and carbs in general, keeping majority of carb intake during breakfast and peri-workout.  Make any pre-bed meals based on fat instead of carbs, because carbs are fuel for high-intensity activity, and since you're about to lay down for 8 hours, they'll likely get stored.  Dietary fat is primarily what is burned during sleep, so keep that in mind.

3.  Find any reason to skip a workout, no matter how small.

This isn't difficult to do once your diet is in shambles and you don't have the energy to clip your toenails, let alone move iron.  I'd use every excuse from "I feel a headache coming on" to "I need to finish this mission in Grand Theft Auto IV!" to not train.  I haven't felt a good pump in weeks, and I'm feeling as feeble and inadequate as ever.  Score!

What not to do:

Develop a "No excuses" mindset.  Unless it's an emergency, under no circumstances are you to refrain from training.  It doesn't matter if your favorite rerun of Friends is on tv (I know the monkey is adorable, but this is what DVDs and Netflix are for) or if your buddies want to go out to the bar.  It's okay if you're a little late; they'll forgive you.

4.  Hang on to every word your critics say.

Ya know those people who talk shit behind your back, tell you you'll fail at every opportunity and seem to revel in taking a dump on other people's dreams and goals?  They're usually right.  Chances are, you never will lose that fat, get your dream job, or meet the "one".

Just give up.

What not to do:

Eject these toxic, poisonous pieces of human garbage from your life.  They're so disgusted with themselves and their own lack of control when it comes to their own lives that they try to convince you you're just as weak as they are.  Find people who are willing to identify their goals and take action, and listen to what they have to say; there's a good chance they've had to overcome many of the same trials you have, and are happy to offer kind words and advice.  Believe in yourself.

So there it is.  Following these four simple rules should get you well on your way to becoming sad, pathetic and pudgy.

Go get 'em, tiger.





Have anything to add that will help others get out of shape?  Comment!