Welcome to Subshack, Vol. 3: The Old Man

Unsure of what his birth name is, we just call him The Old Man.  He's been employed at Subshack since it was opened, but how long he's actually been working on the piece of land on which the building was raised has yet to be determined.  We've heard tales of him pumping gas in that very spot back in the 1940's when it was a gas station, and rumors of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics of him hunting families of sasquatch have been floating around since I was hired.

The Old Man is also one of the angriest bastards you'll ever come across.  The smallest of errors may send him into a blind rage full of screaming and ranting.  Working harder and being productive will do the same.  The most you can do to avoid being ripped to shreds by his razor sharp claws (his nails haven't been trimmed since 1936, when a whip-wielding archeologist trapped him in a cave and filed them down in an effort to render him harmless) is stand completely still until called upon to do his bidding.

In 2007, Subshack veteran Michael Tejeda discovered a way to soothe The Old Man's madness.  Albeit only a temporary solution, it is an often-used tactic to get through a long shift with important limbs intact:

You've got to rub his belly.

This sends him into a state of short-lived serenity, where he reflects on his past and tells tales of valor, terror and battles long-forgotten by anyone else.

Many have attempted to slay the beast, yet none have succeeded.  It is said that he draws strength from his age and that the devouring of processed meats and grains only amplifies his power.  Taking into account his place of employment and unknown origins, he very well may be unstoppable.  This is proven by his trophy wall; a wall adorned with the heads of fallen heroes who once stood against him.

Should you venture into Subshack in an effort to quell your hunger, heed my words and proceed with great caution.

Ancient texts have prophecied a great hero that will take up arms against the one known as The Old Man and succeed where others have failed.  A hero of humble upbringing and great strength, accompanied by a group of like-minded allies the likes of which have never been seen.

My time will come.

Remember my story.

The Closest Thing To Superpowers We'll Ever Get

Testosterone.  

For some people it has become a sort of four-letter word; they associate it with anger, or with sexism, or with (gasp!) steroids.  These people imagine a muscle-bound jackass in a wifebeater flexing his delts in front of a mirror at the gym, or a greasy truck driver in the bathroom of a diner, getting pleasured by a cheap hooker while he eats a corndog and threatens to beat his wife over the phone.

My point is, that if you bring up the T-word in public, chances are you're going to be confronted by a lot of the negativity surrounding it these days.

That's Lame.

The truth is, testosterone plays a major role in the quality of human life (yes, even for women!).  Having normal/high T levels can keep you energetic and motivated.  It's highly anti-inflammatory and is, contrary to what your mama says, great for heart health.  It also helps you get lean and stay that way, along with promoting muscle growth.

Oh, and this is perhaps the best of all...

It raises libido.  Big time.

That's right, without it you'd have a hard time stepping up to the plate...with your penis.

It's the same with women.  If she's not in the mood, like, ever, there is a chance it's a hormonal imbalance.  That's what I've always found amazing about birth control pills: Women take them because they want to have passionate, mind-blowing, monkey-shit-fight-at-the-zoo sex with a man without the horrible burden of having to raise his child.  Unfortunately, the hormones that are in The Pill that prevent pregnancy also cause a drop in T production, which will lower your libido faster than seeing Ernest Borgnine in a pink Speedo.

"Testicularity is the last vanguard of civilization; what ties us to nature, what makes us want to excel, what makes us want to discover, invent, and conquer. Don't let your balls go the way of the appendix."

-From the book Atomic Dog: The Testosterone Principles by TC Luoma

Testosterone is an unstoppable hammer-wielding barbarian in the fight against mediocrity.  Why don't you want more of it?

One night when I was at a bar with my buddies, the subject of marijuana came up in conversation.  I won't get too much into what was said, but I did mention at some point that it might lower T levels.  The data is conflicting right now, but I basically said that there's a chance it might affect hormones in a measurable way.  One of my friends didn't find it concerning.  His response?

"Why would you want more testosterone, anyway?"

I let the comment slide and chose not to respond, as I felt I needed to reflect on that question a bit.  Why would you want more?  Well, I suppose it has to do with knowing what it is, what it can do, and who it can help you to become.  I also came to the conclusion that having low T-levels might actually result in a lack of concern regarding the bettering of self.

It's like in Supernatural when Sam lost his soul, and decided he didn't want it back.  You see, he didn't want his soul back because he didn't have one; when you're completely content with that fact that you don't care about anything, the thought of suddenly caring about everything and enabling yourself to feel doesn't seem like a great idea.

Kind of a lame analogy, I know, but my point remains the same:

If you don't want it, it might be because you don't have it.

Let's get some.