Welcome to Subshack, Vol. 2: Sabotage.

I like to leave early.

It doesn't matter where I am, what I'm doing or if I'm getting paid to be there; I just love leaving early.

Any friends who have been out to bars or parties with me, as well as co-workers and family members, know that I'm not much for staying anywhere until a designated time or even waiting for other members of the party to put their coats on before I hit the old dusty trail.

It could be a mild case of wanderlust or just a simple fear of stagnation, but most of the time people consider it to be just downright rude.

I tell you this because I want you to know that when something stands in my way when I'm dead-set on getting the hell out of wherever I am, things can get just a wee-bit out of hand.  Outwardly I'll be completely calm.  Cool.  Everything will appear to be normal and there will be absolutely no sign of disdain.  Like Dexter, only my Dark Passenger has more of a yearning to depart than a hankerin' for killin' folks.

 

Even though I wouldn't have had an entirely acceptable reason to leave before, if I've been denied the right to shake the scene, suddenly my surroundings become unbearable.  I'll have the overwhelming feeling of being imprisoned in a small dark room like Jodi Foster in Panic Room.  Only in my case, I'd most likely welcome the heavily armed thugs that are attempting to blowtorch through the steel door and kidnap me.

...I don't know, man.

I'm highly competitive by nature, and over the years have learned that no good comes from throwing a hissy-fit to get my way.  The best way to defeat your enemy is to wait patiently until the perfect moment to strike presents itself.  I'm a cobra.

Contemplate.  Plan.  Execute.

Shove a cucumber in the tailpipe of her car?  Dump a bucket of mayonnaise on the engine?  ...Nah.  I'll just steal her car keys.   

 As anyone who has ever owned a car knows, it's extremely frustrating to lose your car keys.  It almost immediately incites a state of panic in most individuals, as car keys can be the one thing standing in the way of you and getting to work on time, keeping your dinner reservation or even getting laid.  Between having to retrace every step you took since you last used them and having useless morons say things like "It'll be in the last place you look!", it's easy to lose your composure and become overwhelmed by a fiery, Carrie-like rage.

Following through on deceitful plans that are less than well thought-out (hiding a person's car keys, for example)  can be tricky.  You have to ignore all the questionable decisions you've made, avoid letting any sort of guilt sink in and just power through with your head down, as to not expose yourself to the possibility of being found out.  You must keep your cool when the shit hits the fan, or risk having all of the shit scraped off of the fan and then flung in your direction.

Someone wise might say that this is a valuable lesson in why you shouldn't lower yourself to the level of being conniving and evil just so you can go home and re-watch the first season of Arrested Development for the fourth time.

That ain't me, baby.

Final step:


Get out as fast as you can.