Unsure of what his birth name is, we just call him The Old Man. He's been employed at Subshack since it was opened, but how long he's actually been working on the piece of land on which the building was raised has yet to be determined. We've heard tales of him pumping gas in that very spot back in the 1940's when it was a gas station, and rumors of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics of him hunting families of sasquatch have been floating around since I was hired.
The Old Man is also one of the angriest bastards you'll ever come across. The smallest of errors may send him into a blind rage full of screaming and ranting. Working harder and being productive will do the same. The most you can do to avoid being ripped to shreds by his razor sharp claws (his nails haven't been trimmed since 1936, when a whip-wielding archeologist trapped him in a cave and filed them down in an effort to render him harmless) is stand completely still until called upon to do his bidding.
In 2007, Subshack veteran Michael Tejeda discovered a way to soothe The Old Man's madness. Albeit only a temporary solution, it is an often-used tactic to get through a long shift with important limbs intact:
You've got to rub his belly.
This sends him into a state of short-lived serenity, where he reflects on his past and tells tales of valor, terror and battles long-forgotten by anyone else.
Many have attempted to slay the beast, yet none have succeeded. It is said that he draws strength from his age and that the devouring of processed meats and grains only amplifies his power. Taking into account his place of employment and unknown origins, he very well may be unstoppable. This is proven by his trophy wall; a wall adorned with the heads of fallen heroes who once stood against him.
Should you venture into Subshack in an effort to quell your hunger, heed my words and proceed with great caution.
Ancient texts have prophecied a great hero that will take up arms against the one known as The Old Man and succeed where others have failed. A hero of humble upbringing and great strength, accompanied by a group of like-minded allies the likes of which have never been seen.
For some people it has become a sort of four-letter word; they associate it with anger, or with sexism, or with (gasp!) steroids. These people imagine a muscle-bound jackass in a wifebeater flexing his delts in front of a mirror at the gym, or a greasy truck driver in the bathroom of a diner, getting pleasured by a cheap hooker while he eats a corndog and threatens to beat his wife over the phone.
My point is, that if you bring up the T-word in public, chances are you're going to be confronted by a lot of the negativity surrounding it these days.
That's Lame.
The truth is, testosterone plays a major role in the quality of human life (yes, even for women!). Having normal/high T levels can keep you energetic and motivated. It's highly anti-inflammatory and is, contrary to what your mama says, great for heart health. It also helps you get lean and stay that way, along with promoting muscle growth.
Oh, and this is perhaps the best of all...
It raises libido. Big time.
That's right, without it you'd have a hard time stepping up to the plate...with your penis.
It's the same with women. If she's not in the mood, like, ever, there is a chance it's a hormonal imbalance. That's what I've always found amazing about birth control pills: Women take them because they want to have passionate, mind-blowing, monkey-shit-fight-at-the-zoo sex with a man without the horrible burden of having to raise his child. Unfortunately, the hormones that are in The Pill that prevent pregnancy also cause a drop in T production, which will lower your libido faster than seeing Ernest Borgnine in a pink Speedo.
"Testicularity is the last vanguard of civilization; what ties us to nature, what makes us want to excel, what makes us want to discover, invent, and conquer. Don't let your balls go the way of the appendix."
-From the book Atomic Dog: The Testosterone Principles by TC Luoma
Testosterone is an unstoppable hammer-wielding barbarian in the fight against mediocrity. Why don't you want more of it?
One night when I was at a bar with my buddies, the subject of marijuana came up in conversation. I won't get too much into what was said, but I did mention at some point that it might lower T levels. The data is conflicting right now, but I basically said that there's a chance it might affect hormones in a measurable way. One of my friends didn't find it concerning. His response?
"Why would you want more testosterone, anyway?"
I let the comment slide and chose not to respond, as I felt I needed to reflect on that question a bit. Why would you want more? Well, I suppose it has to do with knowing what it is, what it can do, and who it can help you to become. I also came to the conclusion that having low T-levels might actually result in a lack of concern regarding the bettering of self.
It's like in Supernatural when Sam lost his soul, and decided he didn't want it back. You see, he didn't want his soul back because he didn't have one; when you're completely content with that fact that you don't care about anything, the thought of suddenly caring about everything and enabling yourself to feel doesn't seem like a great idea.
Kind of a lame analogy, I know, but my point remains the same:
If you don't want it, it might be because you don't have it.
I'm not saying that I'm living on the streets, blogging on my laptop from a dark alley somewhere downtown, eating the freshly discarded half of a bearclaw in a fort made of cardboard and a cloak made of pigeon feathers; just that I work in a sandwich shop and have no other source of income at the moment.
"I'll do anything for a an electrical outlet. Anything!"
I make slightly more than minimum wage and as you probably very well know, living a healthy lifestyle and having the goal of becoming simultaneously fit, strong and incredibly hawt has its price, both psychologically and financially. In the past I made the mistake of living far beyond my means. I bought supplements that were both unnecessary and ineffective, and I bought carts full of expensive groceries without realizing there was a better way to go about things.
It's absolutely possible to eat like a king (a healthy, awesome-looking one) and not break the bank, and here are a few tips to help you get started so you don't make the same mistakes I made:
1. Buy meats & veggies in bulk.
I buy somewhat large amounts of chicken breasts, seal them in individual freezer bags and keep them in the freezer. It's possibly the most versatile food on the planet, so you can just defrost a couple of them overnight and use them to make dinner the next day. I also buy ground sirloin in large quantities for burgers. Just mix in your seasonings and whatnot, form them into burgers, and seal them in individual baggies (just like the chicken breasts) and freeze them. You can defrost them in the microwave and cook them up whenever you want in a jiffy, which works really well for a quick lunch or dinner.
For vegetables, I usually just buy big bags of things like frozen broccoli and cauliflower, which work great on the side of your burgers. Just steam, season with lemon juice and sea salt, and you're golden, Pony Boy.
2. Don't buy a bunch of supplements that you don't need.
Pretty early on after I was bitten by the fitness bug, I thought that a massive pile of pills would solve all my problems. I didn't bther to realize that supplements are just that: supplements. They're for supplementing what should already be a fairly solid diet; they won't make you lean and strong when you're scarfing down Snickers and Golden Grahams all day.
Also, don't get caught up in the hype of certain "wonder" pills. Acai extract won't help you lose fat any more than banging your best friend's mother will, and spending $30 on a bottle of mangosteen juice will only result in giving you permission to be slapped in the back of the head.
(On second thought, banging Mrs. Anderson would probably be condusive to fat loss. Especially when you're on the run while being hunted down like a dog by your best friend.)
As far as I'm concerned (and people far more qualified than me will back me up on this), the supplement staples are:
Fish oil
Greens/superfood
A good multivitamin
Vitamin D (normally the multi won't have nearly enough)
I also take zinc because most people (especially athletes and people who work out intensely) are generally pretty deficient unless they're eating a lot of organic nuts and oysters and such.
I consider protein powder to be more of a food than a supplement, so that's why I didn't include it in the list.
I do take more than what is listed depending on the situation, but I'm only listing the supplements I take every day no matter what. I might blog about everything I take in the future, but for the purpose of this post, these are what's important.
So there you have it. Two tips to help you get fit, tough and further out of debt if you're financially challenged like I am.
Any advice to give on how to get muscle on a budget? Comment!
When I was 12 years old, I lost my older brother to cancer.
(Awesome way to start a blog post, I know.)
Somewhere around 9 p.m. in the September of 1995, my brother Jason and I had climbed into our respective bunk beds (I was on bottom) and began chatting about sign language. Jason had been taking a sign language class in high school because it counted for his language credit and it seemed easier than going with Spanish or French. He tought me how to sign a few words and promised to teach me more the next day when he had his textbook handy. Of course I can't remember if I was genuinely interested in sign language or if I was just excited about the prospect of doing something with my older brother that didn't involve a black eye or hurtful insults, but I was looking forward to it nonetheless. To have such a civil discussion that lasted more than two minutes was a somewhat rare occurence in that point in our "brothership."
We went to sleep.
A few hours later at around 4 or 5 a.m., I awoke to the sound of something thrashing around on the top bunk. I didn't know what was going on, so I immediately jumped out of bed and climbed up to see what my brother was doing. His back was arched, his arms flailed and he was grunting as if he was in pain, though he didn't seem conscious. Assuming he was just having a terrible dream, I tried hitting him and shaking him to wake him up, which in retrospect wasn't the best idea.
I ran to my parents' room and woke my mother, telling her there was something wrong with Jason. It wasn't long after that he snapped out of it and we got him down from the bed and into the kitchen. My mom called my dad, who was at work at the time, to tell him what had happened and to come home right away. As we waited for my father to get there, my brother (who was aware he wouldn't be going to school that day) went into the livingroom and sat down at our then-brand-spanking-new Acer computer.
As Jason sat at the computer, suddenly he collapsed. His head fell forward and hit the wooden desk with a loud bang. I pulled him back to the sitting position in the chair and he then realized he had trouble moving his right arm. If there was ever a time during this morning to panic, this was it. My mom called 911 and the ambulence arrived minutes later. My dad still hadn't made it home yet and because the ambulence couldn't fit both my mom and I, we had to let them go without us and go to the hospital when my dad got home.
Thus began the most difficult 11 months any of us would ever endure.
On August 7th, 1996, after nearly a year of chemotherapy, radiation therapy and several surgeries, after a year of training myself to become almost completely emotionally detached, after 11 months of fighting the angry bitch that is Cancer with everything he had, my brother died at the age of 16.
No one should have to go through what he did, and that's why I'm asking for your help.
While I don't have the means or the knowledge to seek out new, more effective ways to treat cancer in children, the St. Baldrick's foundation does.
From their website:
"The St. Baldrick's Foundation is a volunteer-driven charity committed to funding the most promising research to find cures for childhood cancers and give survivors long and healthy lives."
Now that's something I can get behind.
For more info, visit www.stbaldricks.org.
You don't have to shave your head. In fact, my favorite fitness guy, John Romaniello, has organized an effort to raise $10,000 for St. Baldrick's. All you have to do is follow the link below and hit the donate button near the bottom of the post. There is no minimum or maximum donation, but anything over $15 gets you a bunch of free workouts by some of the best trainers in all the land.
So I've been going over my previous blog posts and had a pretty shocking realization:
I seem way more put-together than I actually am.
While a few things in my life are pretty well thought-out and organized, my weekly schedule reads like a monkey shit fight at the zoo. I've got my morning ritual and workout routines down pretty well, and it's not often that I let myself go off track or get distracted from those two things. The rest of the day, however, is pretty much me just "living in the moment." That sounds good in theory, but instead of doing cool stuff like hiking or going to a farmer's market (yes, those things are cool to me. And yes, I am lame), I tend to watch multiple episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in one sitting or take three-hour naps. I'm not all that great at making spur-of-the-moment good decisions; I'm more likely to take a twenty-minute drive to the grocery store based on a sudden craving for yogurt than to sit down and actually do something constructive.
I'm telling you all this because I want to be completely honest and forthcoming with you guys. I don't want to give the impression that I have it all figured out, because I don't. If I post something on here where I'm offering advice, it's because I feel that I can talk about the subject as a result of many hours of casual research and do so without coming off as a complete retard. The purpose of this site is to help you where I can and hope you'll join me in my voyage to create a lifestyle worthy of envy and emulation.
Think of it this way:
You've embarked on an epic quest to save the world. You have a long, arduous journey ahead of you, with many battles yet to be fought and many miles to be traveled. In order to emerge victorious, you need to never stop believing yourself and surround yourself with people who will offer support and help you slay the occasional chimera or cactuar.
During your quest you learn that in order to obtain the information you need to continue, you must make a stop in a tiny village called Teh Interwebz. There are many people here who will offer you words of wisdom: wizards who are especially well-learned in their craft, as well as fools in pointy hats who pretend to be so. In fact, it's quite difficult to find useful information sometimes. Ask a man on the street about dealing with dark elves and there's a good chance he'll hand you a book full of naked pictures of drunken gnomes.
While visiting the local tavern, you meet a man who offers to join your party. He seems brutish yet well-spoken. It is evident that he means well, yet he insists that trolls shouldn't wear tweed jackets; it's just not becoming of them. He's a paladin in training, with basic knowledge of healing and strength buffs. He wields a magical hammer named "The Blog," and is also incredibly handsome (hey, it's my story).
This man will do what he can to help you reach your goals, for your destinations are similar.
In fact, I think it's safe to say that morning is most likely my favorite part of the day. There's just something about the calmness of it all. To know that the next hour or two are yours alone, and the only things you have to do to stay productive are seemingly mundane, almost meditative tasks. Whatever horrible things you went through yesterday are behind you.
It's a new day, and it's fresh chance for you to make improvements. Did you spend yesterday sitting on your ass and watching Youtube videos? Did you accomplish none of the things you told yourself you would?
Been there.
I'm getting better, however, and it has a lot to do with how my day begins. It's easy to set yourself up for a really crappy day by waking up, griping about the day ahead, munching on a Pop Tart (or not eating breakfast at all) and chugging gas station coffee in the car on your way to work. It takes just a wee bit more effort, but I guarantee if you use the guidelines I've provided here that you too can become a morning person. Instead of opening your door and making the arduous ten-foot journey to your car, you'll break straight through your front door like a viking, sprint to your car, lift it over your head, throw it over the horizon while screaming and grunting like the Hulk and run to work with the speed of The Flash.
You bet your ass.
Get a good night's sleep.
I really hope I don't need to explain the benefits of sleeping. Set a goal for seven to nine hours of sleep a night. This of course makes a huge difference when it comes to how you're feeling in the morning, and not getting enough (or too much) sleep can make or break the entire next day.
Wake up with gusto.
As soon as the alarm sounds, I jump out of bed like the house is on fire, because I know if I continue to lay down that five seconds can easily turn into an hour. It makes it easier when your alarm is a catchy up-beat tune, so I installed a program on the computer in my bedroom called Alarmwiz, which is a nifty alarm that will play any mp3 of your choosing. You can use it to set up several alarms for different occasions and turn them on and off whenever. It's pretty awesome.
My favorite wake-up song is Huey Lewis' Hip To Be Square, thanks to an episode of NBC's Chuck.
Chug! Chug! Chug!
When you're done dancing like a drunkard to Lady Gaga, make your way to the kitchen and make yourself a tall glass of ice water. Now drink it. It's important to replenish fluids first thing in the morning because after eight hours you're pretty dehydrated. It also gets your body's systems going and according to various studies, drinking ice water in the morning boosts your metabolism by getting your internal "furnace" going. Even if you find that hard to believe, there are still plenty of reasons to do it.
Exercise, or something.
Personally I like to get on my stationary bike for a bit while I watch an episode or two of Seinfeld. The idea of it sucks, but a little fasted cardio before breakfast makes you feel incredible. Trust me. Sometimes I'll follow it up by a little meditation. In place of the bike you could also do yoga, or if the weather permits, just take a walk around the block.
Oh, and stretch.
Babies for breakfast, babies for dinner
Ditch the cereal for a week, cooking yourself a tasty breakfast with a nice ratio of protein, fats, and carbs. You'll thank me.
My favorite breakfast lately? Scrambled eggs made with 1 whole omega-3 egg, 4 egg whites and chopped spinach, topped with a nuked mixture of lentils, salsa and cumin, with a side of natural uncured bacon. For those of you who think that sounds awful, it's better than it sounds. For you folks out there who think it sounds amazing...it is.
If you want to get a little schmancy, try yerba mate in place of coffee every now and again. It's a South American tea that has caffeine in it, along with theobromine, the euphoriant in chocolate. It'll give you energy and mental clarity without the jitters.
Take a Scottish shower.
No, I don't mean singing the Oscar Meyer wiener song in your best Sean Connery voice. Basically it just means turning the faucet to the cold setting for the last couple of minutes while showering. It'll be just awful the first couple of times you do it, but you'll feel like a new man/woman afterward. Other than just the wake-up factor, benefits of cold showers include improving circulation, boosting testosterone, increasing fertility and promoting the release of growth hormone (great for burning fat and gaining muscle). Of course it also closes your pores, so prepare to look smooth.
Just following these guidelines should produce almost immediate results. Why? In most cases a good morning leads to a good day, so it's best to make the most out of the first hour or two after you've arisen from your slumber.
You might even say that creating the perfect morning for yourself is the first step in achieving all your hopes and dreams.
...you might say.
Have any of your own tips to tame the dreary-eyed beast known as the morning? Wake up and comment!
In fact, as I continue to improve my cooking skills, it's becoming easier and easier all the time. To be able to cook your own delicious meals is satisfying in itself, but to be able to eat like a king whilst knowing that you've taken yourself one step closer to becoming a chiseled Adonis, well, that's just icing on the cake (figuratively speaking, of course).
Goodbye, McDonald's.
Hell, I don't even need Chipotle anymore. Sure, Chipotle, while high in calories, is probably your best bet when you're craving fast food but don't want to fill your body with body composition-wrecking balls of poisonous shit, but I've got something better for you. A food that you can eat every day without feeling guilty. A pile of scrumptious ambrosia that's fit for a god. Not one of those fat, lazy gods either. I'm talking Hercules-friendly chow here.
Now before you start with the whole "but, like, he was only half-god, bro" stuff, I'm just going to go ahead and jump right to the recipe. This makes two servings, but you can double or triple the recipe if you're looking to have lunch/dinner for a few days.
Kittoe's Fajita Bowl of Awesomeness
Get this:
Boneless, skinless chicken breast
Poblano pepper (green peppers will work if you can't find them)
Onion
Canned chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (should be in the Mexican section of the grocery store)
Fajita marinade
Lettuce (those bags of pre-shredded will work)
Salsa (I use Mrs. Renfro's chipotle corn salsa)
Low-fat or fat free sour cream
Reduced fat or fat free shredded Mexican blend or cheddar cheese
Canned pinto beans (or bean of your choice)
Do this:
1. Slice the chicken breast into bite-sized cubes. Toss in a large Ziploc bag with the fajita marinade. I don't really measure how much I use; I just make sure to use enough to get decent coverage of the chicken. Throw into the fridge and let it marinate for up to 2 hours.
2. After you've let the chicken soak up all the deliciousness of the marinade, grab the pepper and slice it into strips. Do the same with the onion. If it's a large onion, use from a third to about half of the onion; if it's small, use from a half to three quarters of it.
3. Depending on how much you can tolerate spicy foods, grab 1-3 of the chipotle peppers out of the can and chop them into a fine mush. These bad boys are hot as all hell, so be careful.
4. Heat a bit of oil in a wok or skillet with medium-high heat for a minute or so. Empty the bag of chicken into the pan. Then dump the peppers, onions, chipotle pepper mush and about a 1/2 cup of beans intot he pan, mixing it all together with a wooden spoon.
5. Let it cook for about 15 minutes, or until the chicken is cooked through, stirring and tossing often. Personally, I enjoy using my wok and tossing the food into the air; it makes me feel like I'm in an episode of Iron Chef.
6. When it's done, divide it into two bowls and top them with the lettuce, a small handful of cheese, some salsa and a dab of sour cream.
7. Serve, eat and watch as your girlfriend/boyfriend/buddy suddenly finds you incredibly impressive.
Done and done.
If you've tried this or have any variations you'd like to share, comment!
