Dumbbell In One Hand, Controller In the Other

I just spent three hours playing L.A. Noire on my Xbox 360.

I'm okay with that.

A lot of people seem to have a pretty negative view of gamers.  When they visualize a guy who spends any amount of time playing video games, they see some fat, greasy nerd in his parents' basement on his 27th straight hour of playing World of Warcraft (and, resultantly, his 27th straight hour without showering).

Needless to say, they aren't known as being the epitome of health and fitness.

And while it's certainly true that there are people out there who prioritize video games over, say, brushing their teeth, this just isn't the case for most of us.  In fact, I think there's at least one common trait between gamers and people who partake in strength training.

I want you to think back to when you were a child.  Remember when you were little and you dreamed of slaying monsters, fighting evil and rescuing damsels in distress?  Well, some of us never stopped dreaming.  Heroism is etched into our very souls, and deep down we know we were meant for something great.  Video games offer a glimpse into a world where we have the chance, a place where we can confront evil, whether it be with our quick wit or a broadsword.

As for training, it can bring us a little closer to being able to perform such actions.  We train because the part of us that dreamed of undertaking great deeds never died.  Every time we hit a new personal record or look into the mirror and notice how much our bodies have improved, we know that we've leveled up in life.

I think that gamers and weightlifters alike have that itch for greatness; the need to be ready for the dragon attack, the zombie apocalypse, or, hell, when Bowser steals your woman.

So if you're reading this and you're an avid gamer, I propose that you start a diet and training program and not only be a hero in spirit, but be able to look and perform the part as well.

If you're already a fitness-minded individual, pick up a controller and come closer than ever before to fulfilling your fantasy of saving the world.

I'm not saying there's an impending zombie apocalypse or anything, but I'm going to need all of you to be ready, just in case.

Yes, I realize there are those guys out there who work out solely because of their own insecurities.  They feel tiny inside so they try to compensate by getting big and strong enough to become the bully.  They're the villains.  The Horde Orc that hides in the woods, waiting for low-level Alliance to run by.  The Sith that enjoys burning Rebels to a crisp with Force lightning, completely unprovoked.  These men are the Yang to our Yin.  The Biff to our Marty.  The... Skeksis to our Gelflings?

And then there are those of you who play video games, because, well, it's fun.  You don't play Mass Effect as yourself, and make decisions that you would make if you were actually in that situation.  It's purely for the escapism, and I'm fine with that.  It's kinda hard to be the hero in games like Grand Theft Auto IV, but I play them anyway because it's a damned good time.

My point is, don't ever let anyone make you feel ashamed for doing something that you love to do.  Just don't lose sight of all else (I've been guilty of this myself).  If you start neglecting your friends, family and significant other because you're too wrapped up in Black Ops, it's time to back off a bit and redirect your focus.  This of course goes for everything in life: games, work, the gym -- don't let it consume you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I still need to work out before I go to work.

It's all about balance, baby.

An Adventure of Epic Proportions, Part 2: The Sweet Beast of Slow Death

The introduction to this story can be found here.

Kittoe laughed heartily.  "It has been too long since I have felt the glory of battle.  Let us partake in a strength tonic to ready us for the journey ahead!"

"Barkeep!  Two blueberry protein smoothies!"

The bartender hurriedly scuffled to the back room, as to not keep the paladin waiting.  There was a loud humming noise not unlike the growl of a dying goblin, and seconds later he approached us with two tall mugs filled with some kind of thick, blue liquid.

I hesitantly took a sip of this strange beverage, wondering if Kittoe was, in fact, trying to poison me.  To my surprise, the drink wasn't half bad.  I chugged it as if there were gold at the bottom, and almost immediately felt a surge of power through my entire body.  I arose from my stool, raised the empty mug to the sky and let out a battle cry I didn't even know I was capable of producing, then threw the mug to the floor, shattering it.

Again, Kittoe burst into a hearty laughter.

"I call it the Smoothie Burst.  It was first introduced to me by an old friend of mine, the mage Tejeda.  Its effects will only last a few hours, so let us be on our way!"

As we exited the tavern, it wasn't but a few seconds before a haggardly-looking woman ran to us and stumbled to her knees.

"Please, you must help my husband!  I don't know what to do!"

"What is it, woman?  What has happened?" Kittoe said as he took her by the hand, pulled her to her feet and looked into her eyes with genuine concern.

"We were travelling through the forest when my husband discovered a strange food on the ground.  It was round, with a hole in the middle and covered in a white dust.  They seemed to be making a trail that led us off our path.  I begged him to stop eating them and following where these "Dough-nuts", as he called them, led, but it was as though he was under a spell!

"My husband, Bradyn, followed the trail for what must have been weeks, gorging himself on these odd foods until he came upon the lair of an awful beast.  I fear the worst!"

Kittoe's expression suddenly turned from one of concern to one of fury and anger.

"A Diabetus.  Disgusting, vile things.  They prey on the gluttonous nature of humans.  Fortunately for you, miss, they take their time when devouring their victims, and are not immortal.  We shall save your husband!"

Kittoe took her hand.  "What be your name?"

"Lorella.  I shall show you the way."

Lorella accompanied Kittoe and I,  leading us through the woods to the lair of the Diabetus.  It was a long journey and if it were not for the dire circumstances, it would have been quite peaceful and relaxing for the forest was quite beautiful.  As we approached the cave in which the monster dwelled, I was almost overwhelmed by the unmistakable smell of baked goods and death.

We entered the cave and made our way through, with my hand gripping the hilt of my broadsword and Kittoe with his hammer readied.  Breads, cakes and various pastries lined the walls and ceiling, tempting us to halt our attack and take the Diabetus' bait.

"We mustn't," whispered Kittoe, as to not alert the beast of our presence.  "There will be a day for us to partake in such things; today is not that day."

As we reached what seemed to be the end of the corridor, we came upon a large room that was much like the hall that led to it. Piles of "dough-nuts", chocolates and barrels full of sugary potions with no health benefits whatsoever.  Across the room from us and against the wall was a throne comprised of tiny, candied fish of various colors.  It looked delicious.

Perched on the throne was a beast I thought to be only a myth taught to children so they wouldn't eat too many breads and sweets.  The Diabetus was, as Kittoe said, a vile beast, taking a form not unlike a goblin, only it stood taller than both of us and had a black color to its skin and the area surrounding it that was similar to the darkness of a moonless winter night.  Its appearance was both evil and inviting, two characteristics most dangerous if combined.

"Bradyn!"

Lorella ran to her husband, who sat in chains at the side of the Diabetus, staring blankly.  She was thrown back by a burst of what appeared to be the darkest of magics.

A soft growl echoed throughout the cavern.

"I've been waiting for you two.  Matt Kittoe!  I knew you'd be back."

As I helped Lorella to her feet, I shot Kittoe a look of surprise and confusion.  His head lowered in shame.  "Yes, I almost let myself be enslaved by the monster.  I narrowly escaped, and hoped I would never need think of it again."  His head raised and he gazed at the beast with a new-found sense of purpose.  "I know now that the Diabetus cannot be ignored.  Unless we act, people will continue to suffer in its clutches."

I drew my broadsword and charged toward the Diabetus.  As I attempted to plunge my sword deep into the heart of the beast, it shattered, leaving me defenseless.  Before I could sidestep or backdash, I was gripped by the neck and lifted into the air.  The Diabetus sighed.

"Is this the best cohort you could gather, Kittoe?"



An unfamiliar voice shouted from the shadows.

"Enough!"

A cloaked being emerged.  Upon removing its hood, Kittoe recognized an old friend.

"Tejeda!?  Have you been there the whole time?"

Tejeda, a dark figure of average height and hair as black as midnight, kept his eyes focused on The Diabetus.

"That is unimportant.  We cannot defeat it with mere steel.  Only with the willpower of its living victims can this thing be weakened!"

Bradyn, still chained to the wall, looked up at his wife, then Tejeda with eyes full of sudden determination.

"I'll do whatever it takes."

Tejeda positioned his hands and feet in a spellcasting stance and started conjuring.  A ball of  blue light grew between his palms and he said the words:

"Knowledgus exerciso!"

The ball of light shot from Tejeda's hands across the room and into Bradyn's head.  He shook his head almost violently, rubbed his eyes and smiled as he dropped to the floor and started pushing his body upward, then letting it drop.

Up, down, up, down.

The Diabetus shrieked in pain.  "What have you done to me!?"

Kittoe turned his glance to Tejeda, who was now conjuring a ball of pure yellow light.  "It is working!"

"Knowledgus nutritionus!"

Kittoe and I watched as Bradyn absorbed the second ball of light. Tejeda walked over to Bradyn and offered him a small, cup-shaped cake.

Bradyn declined.  "No thanks, I'm watching my sugar intake."

Now the Diabetus was weakened to the point that it could barely stand.

"This isn't over.  I'll be back for you, Bradyn.  You can't keep this up forever!"

Kittoe reached for his minotaur-skin flask, uncorked it and took a long drink.  He dropped the flask to the ground and a bright blue liquid poored out, staining the rock beneath him.

The Smoothie Burst.

He gripped his hammer tight and leaped into the air, raising the Blog over his head and letting out a loud roar.  He brought the mighty weapon down on the beast's head, breaking the Diabetus into hundreds of shards of pitch-black darkness before they faded into nothingness.

Lorella pulled at Bradyn's chains, trying to release him.  Still dizzy, I attempted to break his shackles to no avail.  Tejeda stepped over to us and unlocked them with a snap of his fingers.

Bradyn shook Tejeda's hand vigorously.  "Thank you so much.  All of you.  You saved my life."

Tejeda, ignoring Bradyn's gratitude, stared into his eyes with a face that was almost expressionless.  "I only planted the seeds of knowledge in you.  I suggest you water them and retain the fruit, for I won't be here to aid you should you return to the ways that got you here in the first place."

And without bidding us farewell, Tejeda returned to the shadows from whence he came.

Kittoe and I escorted Lorella and Bradyn back to the village and let them buy us a round of blueberry protein smoothies before we said our goodbyes and rented rooms at the inn for the night.

The next morning, Kittoe and I made our way out of the village, looking forward to the feeling of grass under our feet and the blood of the wicked staining our blades.  At this time, there was no need to speak.  We looked at each other, then the village behind us and realized this was only the first of many adventures to come.

Life is good.

An Adventure of Epic Proportions

So I've been going over my previous blog posts and had a pretty shocking realization:

I seem way more put-together than I actually am.

While a few things in my life are pretty well thought-out and organized, my weekly schedule reads like a monkey shit fight at the zoo.  I've got my morning ritual and workout routines down pretty well, and it's not often that I let myself go off track or get distracted from those two things.  The rest of the day, however, is pretty much me just "living in the moment." That sounds good in theory, but instead of doing cool stuff like hiking or going to a farmer's market (yes, those things are cool to me.  And yes, I am lame), I tend to watch multiple episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in one sitting or take three-hour naps.  I'm not all that great at making spur-of-the-moment good decisions; I'm more likely to take a twenty-minute drive to the grocery store based on a sudden craving for yogurt than to sit down and actually do something constructive.

I'm telling you all this because I want to be completely honest and forthcoming with you guys.  I don't want to give the impression that I have it all figured out, because I don't.  If I post something on here where I'm offering advice, it's because I feel that I can talk about the subject as a result of many hours of casual research and do so without coming off as a complete retard.  The purpose of this site is to help you where I can and hope you'll join me in my voyage to create a lifestyle worthy of envy and emulation.

Think of it this way:

You've embarked on an epic quest to save the world.  You have a long, arduous journey ahead of you, with many battles yet to be fought and many miles to be traveled.  In order to emerge victorious, you need to never stop believing yourself and surround yourself with people who will offer support and help you slay the occasional chimera or cactuar.

During your quest you learn that in order to obtain the information you need to continue, you must make a stop in a tiny village called Teh Interwebz.  There are many people here who will offer you words of wisdom:  wizards who are especially well-learned in their craft,  as well as fools in pointy hats who pretend to be so.  In fact, it's quite difficult to find useful information sometimes.  Ask a man on the street about dealing with dark elves and there's a good chance he'll hand you a book full of naked pictures of drunken gnomes.

While visiting the local tavern, you meet a man who offers to join your party.  He seems brutish yet well-spoken.  It is evident that he means well, yet he insists that trolls shouldn't wear tweed jackets; it's just not becoming of them.  He's a paladin in training, with basic knowledge of healing and strength buffs.  He wields a magical hammer named "The Blog," and is also incredibly handsome (hey, it's my story).

This man will do what he can to help you reach your goals, for your destinations are similar.