Dumbbell In One Hand, Controller In the Other

I just spent three hours playing L.A. Noire on my Xbox 360.

I'm okay with that.

A lot of people seem to have a pretty negative view of gamers.  When they visualize a guy who spends any amount of time playing video games, they see some fat, greasy nerd in his parents' basement on his 27th straight hour of playing World of Warcraft (and, resultantly, his 27th straight hour without showering).

Needless to say, they aren't known as being the epitome of health and fitness.

And while it's certainly true that there are people out there who prioritize video games over, say, brushing their teeth, this just isn't the case for most of us.  In fact, I think there's at least one common trait between gamers and people who partake in strength training.

I want you to think back to when you were a child.  Remember when you were little and you dreamed of slaying monsters, fighting evil and rescuing damsels in distress?  Well, some of us never stopped dreaming.  Heroism is etched into our very souls, and deep down we know we were meant for something great.  Video games offer a glimpse into a world where we have the chance, a place where we can confront evil, whether it be with our quick wit or a broadsword.

As for training, it can bring us a little closer to being able to perform such actions.  We train because the part of us that dreamed of undertaking great deeds never died.  Every time we hit a new personal record or look into the mirror and notice how much our bodies have improved, we know that we've leveled up in life.

I think that gamers and weightlifters alike have that itch for greatness; the need to be ready for the dragon attack, the zombie apocalypse, or, hell, when Bowser steals your woman.

So if you're reading this and you're an avid gamer, I propose that you start a diet and training program and not only be a hero in spirit, but be able to look and perform the part as well.

If you're already a fitness-minded individual, pick up a controller and come closer than ever before to fulfilling your fantasy of saving the world.

I'm not saying there's an impending zombie apocalypse or anything, but I'm going to need all of you to be ready, just in case.

Yes, I realize there are those guys out there who work out solely because of their own insecurities.  They feel tiny inside so they try to compensate by getting big and strong enough to become the bully.  They're the villains.  The Horde Orc that hides in the woods, waiting for low-level Alliance to run by.  The Sith that enjoys burning Rebels to a crisp with Force lightning, completely unprovoked.  These men are the Yang to our Yin.  The Biff to our Marty.  The... Skeksis to our Gelflings?

And then there are those of you who play video games, because, well, it's fun.  You don't play Mass Effect as yourself, and make decisions that you would make if you were actually in that situation.  It's purely for the escapism, and I'm fine with that.  It's kinda hard to be the hero in games like Grand Theft Auto IV, but I play them anyway because it's a damned good time.

My point is, don't ever let anyone make you feel ashamed for doing something that you love to do.  Just don't lose sight of all else (I've been guilty of this myself).  If you start neglecting your friends, family and significant other because you're too wrapped up in Black Ops, it's time to back off a bit and redirect your focus.  This of course goes for everything in life: games, work, the gym -- don't let it consume you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I still need to work out before I go to work.

It's all about balance, baby.

Turning Hesitation into Meditation into Inspiration: An Email From Gregg Avedon

Awhile back I decided to reach out to Gregg Avedon, one of the guys who inspired me to, well, become awesome.

I sent him an email with all the usual fanboy stuff, telling him how much of an inspiration he's been to me, how he's pretty much got the life I want, I imagine his face on women's bodies when I have sex, blah blah blah, you know how it is.

(Okay, okay.  Not the last one.  Not all the time, anyway.)

I ended the email with two questions:

"When you were first starting out, did you ever doubt yourself or your
ability to achieve your goals? If so, how did you quash those doubts?"

The next morning I checked my email and discovered Gregg had not only replied to my email, but had put an almost overwhelming amount of thought and detail into his response:

Matt,


First of all, I appreciate the kind words and it's great to hear that you're striving to achieve your goals and working to get better every day! As for your question, sure. What you're feeling is very normal. EVERYONE has self doubt at some level, no matter what they seem like on the outside, there's always that small voice inside trying to cast doubt over you. Some people are much better at controlling that voice inside. Their drive for success outweighs everything else. But the truth is that not everyone is built this way.


One thing that you can do is to start working on how you see yourself, how you speak to yourself (inside your head), and start to truly believe that you have the power within to accomplish your goals. You've got to believe it because you can't count on anyone else to do it for you. When we're younger we tend to think that we can do or be anything and then life happens and we become conditioned to think that there are limititations to what we can do, who we can become, and that ultimately effects the person that we become.


I've always said this and it's so true...that we spend the first quarter of our lives putting up walls and the rest of our lives trying to take them down. Things that happen in your life will create that self doubt in you and in how you view your personal ability to accomplish things.


I suggest that you spend some time alone and somewhere quiet outside where you can really connect to your higher self. I know this can sound odd if you're not used to doing this, but it will help. While outside and quiet begin to just concentrate on your breathing...in and out, in and out, your stomach rising and falling, your chest rising and falling. This will help you clear your mind and begin to center yourself. Start to notice everything around you...the trees, the leaves, the wind, the birds...everything. Begin to realize that you're a part of everything around you. Start to see your authentic self and feel your own power within. Know that the possibilities are endless. Know that you are unlimited potential. Keep breathing and allowing yourself to feel this power move through you. Know that you have full control over your actions.


Do this every day...it only takes 10 minutes and you will begin to feel more and more connected to yourself and everything around you. You will begin to realize that you have the power to achieve your goals. Don't let anyone take that power away from you...with their words or actions. In fact, don't even talk to others that you can't trust with your feelings and dreams who may cast any doubt in the fact that you can accomplish them. You will become a walking example of accomplising exactly what you set out to do and people will see it. People will want a piece of that and those same people who might doubt you will now be asking you what it is that you do to stay so fit, to accomplish your goals...they will want to be more like you!


I hope that doesn't sound WAY OUT THERE for you. The bottom line is that I want to see you take your own power and make it happen for yourself, because you hold all the cards...you've just got to believe.


All the best Matt,


Gregg

What a guy.

Unfortunately he made these suggestions to me during the dead of winter, but I let it slide as he lives in Florida and I'm assuming it's easy to forget the rest of the country is snowed-in when you're laying out on the beach.

Gregg is most definitely the real deal, and, as lame as it sounds, him and his website will always hold a special place in my heart (stop giggling) because his diet advice and the workouts on his site (for lack of a better term) changed my life.

He also released a book a couple of years back with some pretty sweet recipes called Muscle Chow.

To learn more about Gregg Avedon click here.

Honestly, the videos on his Home page crack me up.

Live Like a Mother@#%!er.

Two days ago I went to the bank to deposit my Subshack check.  I was excited as I was almost broke at the time and I had just run out of several important items (protein powder, for one) and well, payday is always an exciting day for everyone, right?  As usual, I was making plans in my head for all the things I was going to do once I had that sweet, sweet cash in my hand.

"I'm gonna buy a French Press and use it for loose-leaf tea!"

"I'm gonna buy seven pounds of protein powder!" 

"I'm gonna start drinking red wine!" 

You know the deal.  Payday is awesome.

Payday brings hope.

I made my way into the grocery store where the nearest branch of my bank is located, walking with that world-on-a-string feeling.  I think I may have had a little too much spring in my step, as I vaguely remember time slowing to a crawl and effortlessly leaping over an elderly woman who had fallen seconds earlier.  Her cries for help were distorted and converted into the peaceful harmonies of Celtic new age artist Enya's  Athair ar Neamh.

 Hey, when you're feeling this good, you don't stop for anything, baby.

Anyway, the world took a sudden, violent turn for the worse when I finally made it to the bank to deposit my check.  You see, the guy ahead of me in line started arguing with the clerk, which had become heated and distracting enough to break me out of my bliss and into an uncomfortable funk.  I have no idea what the argument was about, but what I'd gathered was that he wasn't able to receive the money he'd come there for, and to say he wasn't very happy about it would be an understatement.  

He turned around, started walking away with the grace of a drunken Sasquatch and said loud enough for everyone in a twenty-foot radius to hear:

"Alright, cunt!  See ya later, cunt!"

  

Now, I consider myself to be pretty adept at handling awkward situations, but in this sort of situation I'm pretty useless.  I can't say I was shocked at the guy's reaction; I've been working in a sandwich shop for years and I've had people throw bitch-fits because I put too many pickles on their sandwich.  It really makes you wonder how anyone could flip out over such trivial things.  You don't put what they consider to be "extra" mayonnaise on a person's sandwich and they react as if you just took a shit on their grandmother's corpse.

(This is where I'd normally put an awesome MSPaint drawing.  Sorry, it ain't happening.)

I didn't do anything aside from give him the stink eye as he walked away.  For the rest of the day, I looked back on that situation with much shame on my part.  How could I just stand there and let this nice young lady, who has deposited my paycheck so many times on payday, the greatest of days, be insulted and possibly have her entire day ruined by this piece of trash?  Why didn't I say anything?

Why didn't I rip my shirt off and follow him to his dark tower of evil, kicking the asses of all of his cronies as I made my way to the top for the final battle between good & evil?

Alright, it may not have worked out quite that awesomely.

 I spent the rest of the day reliving that moment in my head, contemplating what I'd do if I could go back in time.  Yeah, I dwell on things.

The truth is, most of us have more than likely had many moments like the one I just described.  A time when somebody, anybody, should have stood up, if only to say "What the hell is wrong with you?"  Sure it may have lead to confrontation, but isn't a little discomfort worth the risk when you're doing what's right?

I'm not saying that next time a guy cuts you off when you're driving you should follow him home and piss on his dog or anything.  It's not even necessary to get physical.  I'm just suggesting that we start living like a motherfucker.

That's right.  Don't do anything by half.  When you work out, train like a motherfucker.  When you have sex, bang the living shit out of her.  When you eat a bagel, well...put the bagel down and lose fat like a motherfucker.

Put your entire heart, soul and balls into whatever you're doing.  I guarantee that in the end, we'll be happier with ourselves and what we've accomplished.

Now get out there.  I'll be right behind you, all the way.

I Saw the Future (And You Can Too!)

The first version of this article was originally published by myself on Feb. 16th, 2009 on another site.   

Not all of it is relevant now, but me thinks it still makes for a decent read.

So I worked out today with the intensity of a coked-up barbarian...and vomited.

Apparently, it has something to do with a reaction to the breaking down of proteins in the system.

Disgusting, right?

Well my experience today was far from the disgusting.  My vision blurred, I could barely stand, and I kind of felt like Charlie when he ate an entire pizza and drank 24 beers all in a single sitting.


"Guys, if I'm peeing wake me up!"



The thing that happened next, however, is what I'm here to tell you all about:

I saw the future.

At least I think I did.  Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't.  But I've gotta admit, it all seems pretty damned possible.  I've never been one to think about what is yet to come.  I hate making plans.  The very thought of what I'm going to do with the rest of my life makes me immediately hop on the computer and go to one of those Youtube-style porn sites and start jerking away, just so I can live in the moment again.

Some will support me.  Some will betray me.  And some, well...let's just say that they give a darn good blow-J.  I'm damn proud of what I've accomplished, though.  I'm going to write a novel, and not like any of the trash I've started and thrown aside in the past.  This one gets finished, and published on a global scale.  Oprah wants to make it one of her book club selections, which would easily make me millions of dollars, but I decline. I say something along the lines of  "If you're taking suggestions from that yoyo-dieting messiah of the housewife, there's a good chance I don't even want you reading it."  It turns out this was just an awful, awful decision and choice of words. 

My tv series will begin airing in 2015 on Showtime.  The two main characters are based on my good friend Ian and myself, and the two actors emulating us will eventually grow to hate the characters because they're so identified with them.  It's going to be the next Seinfeld, only with hot, nude women with little butterfly tattoos on their hips bathing in the background of every scene.  David Duchovney, eat your heart out.

Being on the cover of Men's Health and the article that was published in the issue inspires me to write a book full of healthy versions of your favorite meals.  Full of protein and other muscle-building goodness.  Try the Chicken Kiev; it's fuckin' delicious.

Now, onto the darker side of my future:

Despite my successes, my love life is in shambles.  You see, I have a certain predilection toward unavailable women.  Taken?  Lesbian?  Would rather make love to a pine cone than me?

I love you.

As it turns out, this is my downfall.  They're going to find me dead on a hotel room floor surrounded by bottles full of unrequited love.  No note, no phone call.  I'm discovered by a married chambermaid, who had rejected my advances just hours before.

God damn, I can't let this happen.  I won't let myself go that way.

There's got to be a way to break this curse.  Anybody have some charred cat bones?  Maybe an eyeball taken from one of those horse/zebra hybrids?


Turns out witchcraft is more of a hassle than it's worth.

The way I figure it, there's only one possible solution:  Get out while I can.

If I come across a woman who's unavailable and also completely irresistible, I'm not walking, I'm running in the opposite direction.  No more attempted courtship.  No more becoming "the other man".  No more self-emasculation.

No more time wasted.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some broadband-speed internet porn to jerk off to.


Carry on, my wayward son.

Photo by David LaChappelle

You Look Fine!

Ed used to be a fat dude.

You know the type.  He was the kind of guy that would play World of Warcraft until three o'clock in the morning, throw on some slippers, get into his car, and venture to McDonald's, excited about the prospect of gorging on two or three Sausage, egg and cheese biscuits.  Mmm.

"SCHWANG!"

 "Sorry, sir.  Breakfast doesn't start until four."

"Schwong."

So what did Ed do?  He would drive around aimlessly for an hour or so, just to come back and get his biscuit fix.  It was bad.

And it didn't stop there, oh no.  Baked goods were Ed's best friend.  What better way to celebrate dinging level 40 than to prepare yourself a nice big bowl of Ben & Jerry's?  Or a bag of snack-sized Nutrageous bars?  Or a 16-inch meat-lover's pizza?

DING!  "Mmm...Coffee cake."

DING!  "Rice Krispy treats!"

DING!  "...Asparagus?  Fuck, I need to go grocery shopping."

Ed was living large.  Too large.

And so after years of not being able to run 17 feet without gasping for air, or fit into the jeans he wore in high-school, it happened.  During one of his coveted trips tot he grocery store, on his merry way to the soda aisle, Ed walked through the magazine department.  One issue stood out in particular, with a chiseled deity of a man, muscles bulging, emerging from water like Beowulf.  He was magnificent!  Thor come to life!

Ed was bitten by the fitness bug, and through trial and error, it has changed his life for the better.   Close friends, family members and acquaintances quickly noticed that Ed's physique was slowly turning from fat, blubbery noob-whale to L33T, jack3d pwn-king.  He was starting to look more like his WoW character than Chris Farley!  Sweet!

That's more like it.

Unfortunately, in a world where chubby is the new thin, you get people who just don't understand the point of training or ya know, being a non-disgusting, semi-healthy person.

It wasn't long before Ed came into contact with these toxic people, hellbent on laying their own insecurities unto him.

The office fatty:

"Come on, you look fine.  You don't need to go on some crazy diet."

The type-2 diabetic aunt:

"I don't know what you have against bread, anyway."

The paranoid, anxious girlfriend who's afraid you might leave her:

"I hate this six-meal-a-day thing.  Just put down that shake and come cuddle with me."

"Wot are ye? Some kanda health nut?"

Some of them don't even realize their own toxicity, which is a shame because it's so easy to fall into their traps.  Sure, maybe you look fine compared to the Klump family you see walking through the candy aisle at Wal-mart.  But is that really something to strive for?  And who wants to be just "fine," anyway?  "Fine" doesn't get you into the history books.  "Fine" doesn't turn heads.  "Fine" doesn't intimidate would-be foes.

"Fine" isn't, in fact, fine with Ed.

What about you?