How to Get Out of Shape, or, What I've Been Doing the Last Three Weeks

So I hopped on the scale today and found that in the last three weeks or so, I've gained about 4 lbs. of fat.

It's about damned time.

You see, about a month ago I woke up, walked over to my mirror and took a long, hard look at myself wearing just a pair of boxer briefs.  My arms and legs looked powerful, my shoulders resembled cannonballs and a six-pack was actually peeking through. In short, I was starting to look way too fucking sexy.

"This can't be!" I screamed at the shimmering, golden barbarian that stood before me.

That's when I realized something had to be done; I couldn't let my body be sculpted into this...this god.

And so, through great effort, I've managed to convert myself into a lazy, unmotivated shell of a man in just 3 short weeks.

Here are a few tips on how to let go and finally become that worthless slob you've always dreamed of being, along with warnings as to what you should not be doing:

1.  Eat ice cream after every meal.  Seriously.

I went to the grocery store simply for the purpose of buying ice cream just so I'd have something to munch on while watching My Name is Earl on Netflix.  They had a 2 for $7 deal on Edy's, so I stocked up on Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup and Thin Mint (That's right, chocolate ice cream with chunks of the Girl Scouts' Thin Mint cookies.  It's awesome).  There were days when I would eat this stuff after breakfast, lunch and dinner, and sometimes as a post-midnight snack.

What not to do:

Only eat ice cream and other sweet treats on weekly or bi-weekly cheat days or cheat meals, following the principles of leptin expert Joel Marion and fitness king John Romaniello.

2.  Make breads and pasta a staple of your diet, and take in massive amounts of carbs with every meal.

After a personal experiment where I severely limited gluten in my diet, I was feeling fantastic.  My energy levels went up, my brain fog lifted and I just had a general feeling of well-being along with extremely healthy digestion.  My poops were awesome.  All but eliminating gluten was obviously a very, very bad choice, so I started devouring sandwiches as if there were a chance a coupon for one night with Jessica Biel was hidden in between the slices of delicious blood sugar-raising refined grains.

What not to do:

Limit intake of gluten-containing products and carbs in general, keeping majority of carb intake during breakfast and peri-workout.  Make any pre-bed meals based on fat instead of carbs, because carbs are fuel for high-intensity activity, and since you're about to lay down for 8 hours, they'll likely get stored.  Dietary fat is primarily what is burned during sleep, so keep that in mind.

3.  Find any reason to skip a workout, no matter how small.

This isn't difficult to do once your diet is in shambles and you don't have the energy to clip your toenails, let alone move iron.  I'd use every excuse from "I feel a headache coming on" to "I need to finish this mission in Grand Theft Auto IV!" to not train.  I haven't felt a good pump in weeks, and I'm feeling as feeble and inadequate as ever.  Score!

What not to do:

Develop a "No excuses" mindset.  Unless it's an emergency, under no circumstances are you to refrain from training.  It doesn't matter if your favorite rerun of Friends is on tv (I know the monkey is adorable, but this is what DVDs and Netflix are for) or if your buddies want to go out to the bar.  It's okay if you're a little late; they'll forgive you.

4.  Hang on to every word your critics say.

Ya know those people who talk shit behind your back, tell you you'll fail at every opportunity and seem to revel in taking a dump on other people's dreams and goals?  They're usually right.  Chances are, you never will lose that fat, get your dream job, or meet the "one".

Just give up.

What not to do:

Eject these toxic, poisonous pieces of human garbage from your life.  They're so disgusted with themselves and their own lack of control when it comes to their own lives that they try to convince you you're just as weak as they are.  Find people who are willing to identify their goals and take action, and listen to what they have to say; there's a good chance they've had to overcome many of the same trials you have, and are happy to offer kind words and advice.  Believe in yourself.

So there it is.  Following these four simple rules should get you well on your way to becoming sad, pathetic and pudgy.

Go get 'em, tiger.





Have anything to add that will help others get out of shape?  Comment!

Mexicans, Midgets and Sensitivity Training: Tips On How to Deal With Type-II Diabetes.

I have a confession to make;  I'm a bit prejudiced against a certain "group" of people.

No, I'm not a racist.  I don't hate Jews.  Hell, one of my best friends is Mexican.  Even though he stole my job and I can't even take him to Wal-Mart without him just randomly breaking into La Quebradita, I still hang out with him.

No sir.  I don't hate the Mexicans.

I do, however, have a problem with people who use type-II diabetes as a crutch.  For most people who have it, it's possibly one of the most curable diseases in existence.  A lifestyle change is required, of course, but the end result is that you're more fit, healthy, and confident.  In fact, I'd say that a lot of people, not just type-2 diabetics, can benefit from the info I'm about to give you in this post.

These are interesting times.  There is more information available about the human body and how to take care of it than ever before,  yet we keep getting fatter.  I shouldn't have to tell you that obesity is the cause of a shit-ton of the major health problems in the U.S..  Food companies that act like they have our health in mind try to sell us boxes of processed "food" that have labels that try to mislead you into thinking it's a healthy choice.  

Holy shit, whole grains!  It must be good for me!

Then of course you've got Big Pharma trying to convince you you've got all these health problems because you're not taking enough drugs (I'm sorry, but you're not depressed because you have a Paxil-deficiency.)  The pharmaceutical companies make billions from keeping us unhealthy and treating the symptoms instead of the diseases.  The health-care system for the most part is a joke, so why do we act like they're the ones who are in charge of our bodies?

Not getting your RDA of anal leakage?  Ask your doctor if Alli is right for you.

Alright, I'm done ranting for now, but before we get into the juicy stuff, I'd like to talk to you a bit about how  a few things work.

Insulin

Insulin is a hormone that is secreted from the pancreas and helps regulate the metabolism of carbs and fat in the body.  In essence, it primes the cells in the body for storage.  Imagine insulin as midgets with potato guns full of carbs.  They're shooting the carbs into muscle cells, adipose cells and the liver in order to control blood sugar. 

Insulin sensitivity and resistance

Insulin sensitivity has to do with the sensitivity of insulin receptors.  When sensitivity is relatively high, less insulin is needed to rid the blood of glucose (sugar) and everything is A-Okay.  However, if you're constantly taking in large amounts of processed carbs and sugar, more midgets, er, insulin is needed to do the job and they tend to stick around for awhile with nothing to do, and the cells become resistant to its effects. This is due to lack of sensitivity, or "insulin resistance".  Type-2 diabetes is developed when insulin resistance gets to the point where the pancreas can't even produce a sufficient amount of insulin for glucose storage.  Bummer.

Lucky for us, the body is perfectly capable of healing itself, and in most cases any damage done is reversible.

Now that we've got that boring stuff out of the way, let's do it to it.

Let's get this pawty stawted.

Food!

It's amazing to me that there are actually people out there who don't understand the importance of food.  You aren't one of them, are you?  ...Good, because I don't think I'm alone when I say it shouldn't be so hard to believe that what put you into your body might have a profound effect on it.

If carbs are fuel, shouldn't we be using up the fuel before refueling at the carb station?  Seems silly to me to try and top off an already-full tank.

"Sooo like, since I'm not running any marathons or anything, couldn't I just like, ya know, eat less carbs?"

Bingo!  Trust me, meat tastes better than bread.  Vegetables, when prepared well, taste way better than chips or rice.  Now before you go all Atkins on me, I'm not suggesting that you completely give up carbs and start eating bacon for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I'm just saying to set about a 100 gram carb limit for yourself, making sure that the carbs you do take in come from awesome sources like beans, veggies, or possibly oats for breakfast.  It's best to restrain the majority of your carb intake to breakfast and post-workout, as those are the two times of day when they're best utilized.

Fiber is important as well, as it basically slows the rate of which sugar is absorbed into the bloodstream.  It also slows digestion and keeps you satiated for a longer period.  As nutritionist Jonny Bowden says, fiber is the best fat-loss supplement there is.  If you're not getting enough in your diet, it's a good idea to supplement.  However, if you're going to buy Metamucil, to avoid embarrassment it's a good idea to make sure the cashier isn't a hottie. 

The best way to eat healthy is just to keep it simple.  Your plate should consist of something that used to have a name, next to something green.  Easy. I'll most likely be posting my own high-protein, lower carb recipes on here in the future.

Exercise!

Really?  You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you? For more reasons than I can count (I've never been great at math), if you're a living, breathing being on the planet Earth, physical activity is a must.  Exercise is great for building insulin sensitivity in people who are insulin resistant, and obviously it works for fat loss as well.  Start a strength training program!

Don't worry, it doesn't build that kind of sensitivity

Supplementation!

Chromium Picolinate.

Chromium is a big one.  It works much like the way that certain diabetes medications work.  Chromium picolinate opens the cells for business, allowing the insulin and sugar to get in so that you're not stuck with both high insulin and blood sugar.  1000 mcg a day is usually what is recommended, though you can take more.

Fish oil.

I could list about a thousand reasons to take fish oil, but the relevant reason for doing so here is that it can increase insulin sensitivity big time.  I usually stick with strength coach Christian Thibaudeau's recommendation of one gram of fish oil per percentage of body fat.  If you don't want to spend half the day gagging on 30 cheap fish oil pills from the grocery store, the liquid oil is your best bet.  It doesn't taste like ass or anything as it's usually flavored with orange or lemon, so you don't have to worry about puking on your ice cream (what are you doing eating ice cream?!?!).

Zinc/magnesium.

Both of these have been shown to help correct insulin sensitivity issues.  You can take them separately, or you can just buy a bottle of ZMA and take it before you go to bed.

Alpha-lipoic acid.

ALA has been lauded for years as a blood sugar regulator, 100mg with meals works, and it won't break the bank.


Cinnamon.

Not exactly a supplement, but cinnamon has been shown to have such dramatic effects on blood sugar that I'm almost inclined to say it has magical powers.  In recent studies, researchers found that a teaspoon of cinnamon in water a half an hour before eating could decrease a meal's glycemic index as much as 29%.  According to Tim Ferriss, author of The 4-Hour Body, people who switched the milk in their coffee out for a teaspoon of freshly ground Saigon or Cassia cinnamon have lost 3-5 lbs. in a week.  That's pretty awesome. 


That's really all I've got for now.  I should probably clarify that I'm not a doctor or a nutritionist.  I'm just a guy with a love for fitness/nutrition knowledge and an itchy Google trigger finger.  I really hope this info helps those who need it.  These are actually pretty decent guidelines for anyone looking to live a healthy lifestyle, because honestly, everyone should be living like a diabetic.

Not to say that...I mean, after they...ah, fuck it.  You know what I mean.

Thoughts?  Advice?  Comment!