And not just because last night some sort of genetically-modified super-cougar raised her glass to mine and said, "To you and me and the prospect of a good fuck sometime."
It was just as awkward as it was flattering.
No, I'm talking about fitness. Last week I covered exactly what I had been doing for the last three weeks in order to get completely off-track and gain 4 lbs. of pure, squishy fatness. I ate a shit-ton of delicious ice cream, only trained about once a week and adopted an extremely negative attitude. I was tired, bloated and depressed.
No more.
Starting Monday, I jumped back on track and stayed there. I started The Superhero Workout, and only ate good, wholesome food, keeping the carbs low at all times other than breakfast and post-workout. I've already lost a few pounds of fat, water and various body garbage, and that makes me all the more excited to keep this going and share my experience with others. In fact, I checked myself out in a public bathroom last night and (through the reclaiming of my self image) popped a boner.
There I was, standing in the middle of the men's bathroom at Brewski's, staring at the shiny golden god in my reflection with only a thin layer of denim restraining my erection.
And so I decided to take pictures of everything I ate over the course of one day, to provide an example of what I might eat throughout the day, and to answer the "What do you eat?" question I've gotten from a few readers.
9:50 a.m.
A tall glass of ice-cold water, first thing. Crisp.
10:05 a.m.
Smoothie and organic coffee sweetened with vanilla creme-flavored liquid stevia.
Smoothie recipe:
1 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
1 tbsp. ground flaxseed
1 scoop greens/superfood powder
1 1/2 scoops strawberry-flavored protein powder
Handful of ice.
Blend it, drink it, thank me.
10:15 a.m.
Supplements.
Since the greens were in the smoothie, I didn't take any more.
2:00 p.m.
Post-workout shake.
(Sorry, I chugged some of it before realizing I hadn't taken a picture yet.)
Post-workout shake recipe:
10-12 oz. water
25g strawberry whey isolate
40-50g dextrose
5g creatine
5g glutamine
Ice.
4:00 p.m.
Scrambled eggs with 1 whole egg and 1/2 cup of liquid egg whites, with garlic.
Usually I'd add a vegetable like spinach or broccoli, but I was all out.
7:45
Beef stew, recipe courtesy of strength coach Dan John:
1 can tomato soup
1 can french onion soup
1-2 lbs. stew beef
Bag of frozen stew veggies
Olive oil (I used coconut)
Pepper
1. Heat oil in big pot
2. Brown meat in oil, pepper it
3. Throw in soups and veggies
4. Simmer until meat is tender.
Blend milk and cottage cheese until completely smooth, then whisk in pudding mix and stick in the fridge for 5 minutes.
I won't lie, it's delicious with some sugar-free Cool Whip on top.
Later on that night I had a bowl of Greek yogurt, which I failed to take a picture of. Sorry.
Oh, and I'm including these because during the Summer months my sweet tooth is as strong as ever:
It's things like this that keep me sane when I'm dieting.
Was this a perfect day of eating? Maybe, maybe not. That's probably a subject for debate. The point is that I took in a lot of decent food and had all the right macro-nutrients at the right times, without lowering caloric intake too much and keeping the protein high. I'll most likely have a cheat meal once or twice a week to keep leptin levels high, depending on how much of a deficit I'm in.
Have any questions? Had trouble seeing something in the photos? Think the stew looks awful?
So I hopped on the scale today and found that in the last three weeks or so, I've gained about 4 lbs. of fat.
It's about damned time.
You see, about a month ago I woke up, walked over to my mirror and took a long, hard look at myself wearing just a pair of boxer briefs. My arms and legs looked powerful, my shoulders resembled cannonballs and a six-pack was actually peeking through. In short, I was starting to look way too fucking sexy.
"This can't be!" I screamed at the shimmering, golden barbarian that stood before me.
That's when I realized something had to be done; I couldn't let my body be sculpted into this...this god.
And so, through great effort, I've managed to convert myself into a lazy, unmotivated shell of a man in just 3 short weeks.
Here are a few tips on how to let go and finally become that worthless slob you've always dreamed of being, along with warnings as to what you should not be doing:
1. Eat ice cream after every meal. Seriously.
I went to the grocery store simply for the purpose of buying ice cream just so I'd have something to munch on while watching My Name is Earl on Netflix. They had a 2 for $7 deal on Edy's, so I stocked up on Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup and Thin Mint (That's right, chocolate ice cream with chunks of the Girl Scouts' Thin Mint cookies. It's awesome). There were days when I would eat this stuff after breakfast, lunch and dinner, and sometimes as a post-midnight snack.
What not to do:
Only eat ice cream and other sweet treats on weekly or bi-weekly cheat days or cheat meals, following the principles of leptin expert Joel Marion and fitness king John Romaniello.
2. Make breads and pasta a staple of your diet, and take in massive amounts of carbs with every meal.
After a personal experiment where I severely limited gluten in my diet, I was feeling fantastic. My energy levels went up, my brain fog lifted and I just had a general feeling of well-being along with extremely healthy digestion. My poops were awesome. All but eliminating gluten was obviously a very, very bad choice, so I started devouring sandwiches as if there were a chance a coupon for one night with Jessica Biel was hidden in between the slices of delicious blood sugar-raising refined grains.
What not to do:
Limit intake of gluten-containing products and carbs in general, keeping majority of carb intake during breakfast and peri-workout. Make any pre-bed meals based on fat instead of carbs, because carbs are fuel for high-intensity activity, and since you're about to lay down for 8 hours, they'll likely get stored. Dietary fat is primarily what is burned during sleep, so keep that in mind.
3. Find any reason to skip a workout, no matter how small.
This isn't difficult to do once your diet is in shambles and you don't have the energy to clip your toenails, let alone move iron. I'd use every excuse from "I feel a headache coming on" to "I need to finish this mission in Grand Theft Auto IV!" to not train. I haven't felt a good pump in weeks, and I'm feeling as feeble and inadequate as ever. Score!
What not to do:
Develop a "No excuses" mindset. Unless it's an emergency, under no circumstances are you to refrain from training. It doesn't matter if your favorite rerun of Friends is on tv (I know the monkey is adorable, but this is what DVDs and Netflix are for) or if your buddies want to go out to the bar. It's okay if you're a little late; they'll forgive you.
4. Hang on to every word your critics say.
Ya know those people who talk shit behind your back, tell you you'll fail at every opportunity and seem to revel in taking a dump on other people's dreams and goals? They're usually right. Chances are, you never will lose that fat, get your dream job, or meet the "one".
Just give up.
What not to do:
Eject these toxic, poisonous pieces of human garbage from your life. They're so disgusted with themselves and their own lack of control when it comes to their own lives that they try to convince you you're just as weak as they are. Find people who are willing to identify their goals and take action, and listen to what they have to say; there's a good chance they've had to overcome many of the same trials you have, and are happy to offer kind words and advice. Believe in yourself.
So there it is. Following these four simple rules should get you well on your way to becoming sad, pathetic and pudgy.
Go get 'em, tiger.
Have anything to add that will help others get out of shape? Comment!
I'm not saying that I'm living on the streets, blogging on my laptop from a dark alley somewhere downtown, eating the freshly discarded half of a bearclaw in a fort made of cardboard and a cloak made of pigeon feathers; just that I work in a sandwich shop and have no other source of income at the moment.
"I'll do anything for a an electrical outlet. Anything!"
I make slightly more than minimum wage and as you probably very well know, living a healthy lifestyle and having the goal of becoming simultaneously fit, strong and incredibly hawt has its price, both psychologically and financially. In the past I made the mistake of living far beyond my means. I bought supplements that were both unnecessary and ineffective, and I bought carts full of expensive groceries without realizing there was a better way to go about things.
It's absolutely possible to eat like a king (a healthy, awesome-looking one) and not break the bank, and here are a few tips to help you get started so you don't make the same mistakes I made:
1. Buy meats & veggies in bulk.
I buy somewhat large amounts of chicken breasts, seal them in individual freezer bags and keep them in the freezer. It's possibly the most versatile food on the planet, so you can just defrost a couple of them overnight and use them to make dinner the next day. I also buy ground sirloin in large quantities for burgers. Just mix in your seasonings and whatnot, form them into burgers, and seal them in individual baggies (just like the chicken breasts) and freeze them. You can defrost them in the microwave and cook them up whenever you want in a jiffy, which works really well for a quick lunch or dinner.
For vegetables, I usually just buy big bags of things like frozen broccoli and cauliflower, which work great on the side of your burgers. Just steam, season with lemon juice and sea salt, and you're golden, Pony Boy.
2. Don't buy a bunch of supplements that you don't need.
Pretty early on after I was bitten by the fitness bug, I thought that a massive pile of pills would solve all my problems. I didn't bther to realize that supplements are just that: supplements. They're for supplementing what should already be a fairly solid diet; they won't make you lean and strong when you're scarfing down Snickers and Golden Grahams all day.
Also, don't get caught up in the hype of certain "wonder" pills. Acai extract won't help you lose fat any more than banging your best friend's mother will, and spending $30 on a bottle of mangosteen juice will only result in giving you permission to be slapped in the back of the head.
(On second thought, banging Mrs. Anderson would probably be condusive to fat loss. Especially when you're on the run while being hunted down like a dog by your best friend.)
As far as I'm concerned (and people far more qualified than me will back me up on this), the supplement staples are:
Fish oil
Greens/superfood
A good multivitamin
Vitamin D (normally the multi won't have nearly enough)
I also take zinc because most people (especially athletes and people who work out intensely) are generally pretty deficient unless they're eating a lot of organic nuts and oysters and such.
I consider protein powder to be more of a food than a supplement, so that's why I didn't include it in the list.
I do take more than what is listed depending on the situation, but I'm only listing the supplements I take every day no matter what. I might blog about everything I take in the future, but for the purpose of this post, these are what's important.
So there you have it. Two tips to help you get fit, tough and further out of debt if you're financially challenged like I am.
Any advice to give on how to get muscle on a budget? Comment!
I have a confession to make; I'm a bit prejudiced against a certain "group" of people.
No, I'm not a racist. I don't hate Jews. Hell, one of my best friends is Mexican. Even though he stole my job and I can't even take him to Wal-Mart without him just randomly breaking intoLa Quebradita, I still hang out with him.
No sir. I don't hate the Mexicans.
I do, however, have a problem with people who use type-II diabetes as a crutch. For most people who have it, it's possibly one of the most curable diseases in existence. A lifestyle change is required, of course, but the end result is that you're more fit, healthy, and confident. In fact, I'd say that a lot of people, not just type-2 diabetics, can benefit from the info I'm about to give you in this post.
These are interesting times. There is more information available about the human body and how to take care of it than ever before, yet we keep getting fatter. I shouldn't have to tell you that obesity is the cause of a shit-ton of the major health problems in the U.S.. Food companies that act like they have our health in mind try to sell us boxes of processed "food" that have labels that try to mislead you into thinking it's a healthy choice.
Holy shit, whole grains! It must be good for me!
Then of course you've got Big Pharma trying to convince you you've got all these health problems because you're not taking enough drugs (I'm sorry, but you're not depressed because you have a Paxil-deficiency.) The pharmaceutical companies make billions from keeping us unhealthy and treating the symptoms instead of the diseases. The health-care system for the most part is a joke, so why do we act like they're the ones who are in charge of our bodies?
Not getting your RDA of anal leakage? Ask your doctor if Alli is right for you.
Alright, I'm done ranting for now, but before we get into the juicy stuff, I'd like to talk to you a bit about how a few things work.
Insulin
Insulin is a hormone that is secreted from the pancreas and helps regulate the metabolism of carbs and fat in the body. In essence, it primes the cells in the body for storage. Imagine insulin as midgets with potato guns full of carbs. They're shooting the carbs into muscle cells, adipose cells and the liver in order to control blood sugar.
Insulin sensitivity and resistance
Insulin sensitivity has to do with the sensitivity of insulin receptors. When sensitivity is relatively high, less insulin is needed to rid the blood of glucose (sugar) and everything is A-Okay. However, if you're constantly taking in large amounts of processed carbs and sugar, more midgets, er, insulin is needed to do the job and they tend to stick around for awhile with nothing to do, and the cells become resistant to its effects. This is due to lack of sensitivity, or "insulin resistance". Type-2 diabetes is developed when insulin resistance gets to the point where the pancreas can't even produce a sufficient amount of insulin for glucose storage. Bummer.
Lucky for us, the body is perfectly capable of healing itself, and in most cases any damage done is reversible.
Now that we've got that boring stuff out of the way, let's do it to it.
Let's get this pawty stawted.
Food!
It's amazing to me that there are actually people out there who don't understand the importance of food. You aren't one of them, are you? ...Good, because I don't think I'm alone when I say it shouldn't be so hard to believe that what put you into your body might have a profound effect on it.
If carbs are fuel, shouldn't we be using up the fuel before refueling at the carb station? Seems silly to me to try and top off an already-full tank.
"Sooo like, since I'm not running any marathons or anything, couldn't I just like, ya know, eat less carbs?"
Bingo! Trust me, meat tastes better than bread. Vegetables, when prepared well, taste way better than chips or rice. Now before you go all Atkins on me, I'm not suggesting that you completely give up carbs and start eating bacon for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I'm just saying to set about a 100 gram carb limit for yourself, making sure that the carbs you do take in come from awesome sources like beans, veggies, or possibly oats for breakfast. It's best to restrain the majority of your carb intake to breakfast and post-workout, as those are the two times of day when they're best utilized.
Fiber is important as well, as it basically slows the rate of which sugar is absorbed into the bloodstream. It also slows digestion and keeps you satiated for a longer period. As nutritionist Jonny Bowden says, fiber is the best fat-loss supplement there is. If you're not getting enough in your diet, it's a good idea to supplement. However, if you're going to buy Metamucil, to avoid embarrassment it's a good idea to make sure the cashier isn't a hottie.
The best way to eat healthy is just to keep it simple. Your plate should consist of something that used to have a name, next to something green. Easy. I'll most likely be posting my own high-protein, lower carb recipes on here in the future.
Exercise!
Really? You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you? For more reasons than I can count (I've never been great at math), if you're a living, breathing being on the planet Earth, physical activity is a must. Exercise is great for building insulin sensitivity in people who are insulin resistant, and obviously it works for fat loss as well. Start a strength training program!
Don't worry, it doesn't build that kind of sensitivity
Supplementation!
Chromium Picolinate.
Chromium is a big one. It works much like the way that certain diabetes medications work. Chromium picolinate opens the cells for business, allowing the insulin and sugar to get in so that you're not stuck with both high insulin and blood sugar. 1000 mcg a day is usually what is recommended, though you can take more.
Fish oil.
I could list about a thousand reasons to take fish oil, but the relevant reason for doing so here is that it can increase insulin sensitivity big time. I usually stick with strength coach Christian Thibaudeau's recommendation of one gram of fish oil per percentage of body fat. If you don't want to spend half the day gagging on 30 cheap fish oil pills from the grocery store, the liquid oil is your best bet. It doesn't taste like ass or anything as it's usually flavored with orange or lemon, so you don't have to worry about puking on your ice cream (what are you doing eating ice cream?!?!).
Zinc/magnesium.
Both of these have been shown to help correct insulin sensitivity issues. You can take them separately, or you can just buy a bottle of ZMA and take it before you go to bed.
Alpha-lipoic acid.
ALA has been lauded for years as a blood sugar regulator, 100mg with meals works, and it won't break the bank.
Cinnamon.
Not exactly a supplement, but cinnamon has been shown to have such dramatic effects on blood sugar that I'm almost inclined to say it has magical powers. In recent studies, researchers found that a teaspoon of cinnamon in water a half an hour before eating could decrease a meal's glycemic index as much as 29%. According to Tim Ferriss, author of The 4-Hour Body, people who switched the milk in their coffee out for a teaspoon of freshly ground Saigon or Cassia cinnamon have lost 3-5 lbs. in a week. That's pretty awesome.
That's really all I've got for now. I should probably clarify that I'm not a doctor or a nutritionist. I'm just a guy with a love for fitness/nutrition knowledge and an itchy Google trigger finger. I really hope this info helps those who need it. These are actually pretty decent guidelines for anyone looking to live a healthy lifestyle, because honestly, everyone should be living like a diabetic.
Not to say that...I mean, after they...ah, fuck it. You know what I mean.
I decided to take a load off the other night by watching an episode of Doctor Who and drinking a steaming cup of rooibos tea. The Doctor was being delightful as always and the tea was delicious, but I started to notice a burning sensation.
No, not that kind of burning sensation.
It was my sinuses. For those of you who have known me for quite awhile, it shouldn't be a shock to you that I have sinus issues. My sinuses are my weakness. My Achilles' heel. The Band-Aid in my soup of awesomeness.
So I knew what laid ahead of me. Headaches. Stuffy nose. Light-headedness. That awful feeling of constantly having to roll over on each side when I'm trying to sleep because everything keeps draining into one nostril.
Then of course, it turned into a full-blown cold.
Suffice to say, I was not amused.
That's not to say I don't somewhat enjoy being sick, though. I also saw video games, light reading and many hours of Hulu in my future, as well as what turned out to be a much needed break from my training. I've never been one of those guys who says things like "Train through it! You'll sweat out the toxins and the antibodies will make you stronger!" Not in my case. Strength training with a two-day cold is a good way to make it last two weeks.
And so, in between seeing how long I can last with a six-star wanted level in Grand Theft Auto IV and reading Terry Pratchett, I started my very own sickness supplement routine.
I spent years wasting money on herbal supplements that were supposed to work, but didn't. This could be because I didn't buy a quality brand of said supplements, because I didn't take mega doses of the stuff, or maybe they just don't do what they've been lauded to do; I don't know.
Mayyyyybe.
Eventually I figured out a routine that works extremely well. It actually doesn't differ much from what I take every day, but usually I'll increase my intake depending on what it is. With this, I rarely get sick these days (I used to get sick constantly before adopting a healthy lifestyle) and in turn, less of my friends and family get a sneeze in the face.
1. Vitamin D.
This is a big one. Up until a couple of years ago no one gave this bad boy a second thought. Milk was fortified with it to fight rickets back in the 1930's and it remains there, but it seemed that no one looked into its benefits for 70 years. Now it's the biggest thing since fish oil and it might just be what the doctor ordered (HA! See what I did there?) to build up your defenses and fight off disease. In fact, a recent study in Copenhagen scientists found that D activates our ummune functions and without it, we won't be able to fight off bodily infections. Yay for D.
2. Decent multi-vitamin.
Yes, there are certain things in multivitamins that just don't go well together and actually inhibit the absorption of one another, but it's still a good way to balance your diet (especially if you're dieting). When you're sick, being malnourished is just going to make it that much harder for your body to deal with your sickness.
3. Superfood/greens powder
If you can only take one supplement for the rest of your life, this would probably be my recommendation. If the world of nutrition was Mt. Olympus, superfood would be Zeus, throwing lightning bolts at free radicals, estrogen and fat spandex-wearing cyclists.
Okay, maybe that last one is just wishful thinking.
Truth is, one scoop of this stuff can yield 8-12 servings of fruits and vegetables. All you have to do is mix it in a glass of water and chug it. Simple. Biotest Superfood is probably the best on the market, but if you're on a budget, Amazing Grass and NSI make some decent greens powders.
4. Zinc.
This one is fairly obvious and actually has been studied with conflicting results. The truth is, there's no reason not to take it. Along with it's possible immune system benefits, it's also important for maintaining normal testosterone levels and Charles Poliquin, a Canadian strength coach with many gold-medalist clients, says that all active men should be taking zinc. Just don't take it with dairy or anything containing calcium, as it interrupts the absorption.
Plus, if you take it before you go to bed it'll make you have awesome dreams. Think about it.
5. Vitamin C.
Yeah, you know the deal.
6. Cinnamon.
Yes, it's delicious, but it's also been used medicinally for thousands of years. A 12th century German nun/herbalist named Hildegaard of Bingen recommended it as the "universal spice for sinuses" and used it as a treatment for colds, flu, and "inner decay and slime". How can you argue with that?
When I'm sick, I usually just dump cinnamon into my tea and stir in some raw, unprocessed honey. It tastes as awesome as it sounds.
7. Neti pot.
Not a supplement, but if you can get past the initial discomfort of flushing your sinuses with saltwater, it'll become one of your most prized possessions. Try it. Hate it. Then love it forever.
Bonus: Ashwagandha and Rhodiola Rosea.
I'm lumping these together because A. They do the about the same thing and B. I don't always have them on hand, so they're not an "official" part of my list. These two adaptogens decrease the physical effects of stress, boosting your immune function in the process. NSI makes a decent Ashwagandha and Biotest makes a good Rhodiola supplement.
Oh, and here's a little tidbit for ya: Legend says that the Vikings used to consume rhodiola to keep up their strength during long campaigns. How cool is that?
"Fetch me my rhodiola!"
Well, that's all I've got. It works for me and it just might work for you. Just don't come and spit in my rooibos if it doesn't.
Have any remedies of your own you'd like to share? Comment!
