So I've been going over my previous blog posts and had a pretty shocking realization:
I seem way more put-together than I actually am.
While a few things in my life are pretty well thought-out and organized, my weekly schedule reads like a monkey shit fight at the zoo. I've got my morning ritual and workout routines down pretty well, and it's not often that I let myself go off track or get distracted from those two things. The rest of the day, however, is pretty much me just "living in the moment." That sounds good in theory, but instead of doing cool stuff like hiking or going to a farmer's market (yes, those things are cool to me. And yes, I am lame), I tend to watch multiple episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in one sitting or take three-hour naps. I'm not all that great at making spur-of-the-moment good decisions; I'm more likely to take a twenty-minute drive to the grocery store based on a sudden craving for yogurt than to sit down and actually do something constructive.
I'm telling you all this because I want to be completely honest and forthcoming with you guys. I don't want to give the impression that I have it all figured out, because I don't. If I post something on here where I'm offering advice, it's because I feel that I can talk about the subject as a result of many hours of casual research and do so without coming off as a complete retard. The purpose of this site is to help you where I can and hope you'll join me in my voyage to create a lifestyle worthy of envy and emulation.
Think of it this way:
You've embarked on an epic quest to save the world. You have a long, arduous journey ahead of you, with many battles yet to be fought and many miles to be traveled. In order to emerge victorious, you need to never stop believing yourself and surround yourself with people who will offer support and help you slay the occasional chimera or cactuar.
During your quest you learn that in order to obtain the information you need to continue, you must make a stop in a tiny village called Teh Interwebz. There are many people here who will offer you words of wisdom: wizards who are especially well-learned in their craft, as well as fools in pointy hats who pretend to be so. In fact, it's quite difficult to find useful information sometimes. Ask a man on the street about dealing with dark elves and there's a good chance he'll hand you a book full of naked pictures of drunken gnomes.
While visiting the local tavern, you meet a man who offers to join your party. He seems brutish yet well-spoken. It is evident that he means well, yet he insists that trolls shouldn't wear tweed jackets; it's just not becoming of them. He's a paladin in training, with basic knowledge of healing and strength buffs. He wields a magical hammer named "The Blog," and is also incredibly handsome (hey, it's my story).
This man will do what he can to help you reach your goals, for your destinations are similar.
In fact, I think it's safe to say that morning is most likely my favorite part of the day. There's just something about the calmness of it all. To know that the next hour or two are yours alone, and the only things you have to do to stay productive are seemingly mundane, almost meditative tasks. Whatever horrible things you went through yesterday are behind you.
It's a new day, and it's fresh chance for you to make improvements. Did you spend yesterday sitting on your ass and watching Youtube videos? Did you accomplish none of the things you told yourself you would?
Been there.
I'm getting better, however, and it has a lot to do with how my day begins. It's easy to set yourself up for a really crappy day by waking up, griping about the day ahead, munching on a Pop Tart (or not eating breakfast at all) and chugging gas station coffee in the car on your way to work. It takes just a wee bit more effort, but I guarantee if you use the guidelines I've provided here that you too can become a morning person. Instead of opening your door and making the arduous ten-foot journey to your car, you'll break straight through your front door like a viking, sprint to your car, lift it over your head, throw it over the horizon while screaming and grunting like the Hulk and run to work with the speed of The Flash.
You bet your ass.
Get a good night's sleep.
I really hope I don't need to explain the benefits of sleeping. Set a goal for seven to nine hours of sleep a night. This of course makes a huge difference when it comes to how you're feeling in the morning, and not getting enough (or too much) sleep can make or break the entire next day.
Wake up with gusto.
As soon as the alarm sounds, I jump out of bed like the house is on fire, because I know if I continue to lay down that five seconds can easily turn into an hour. It makes it easier when your alarm is a catchy up-beat tune, so I installed a program on the computer in my bedroom called Alarmwiz, which is a nifty alarm that will play any mp3 of your choosing. You can use it to set up several alarms for different occasions and turn them on and off whenever. It's pretty awesome.
My favorite wake-up song is Huey Lewis' Hip To Be Square, thanks to an episode of NBC's Chuck.
Chug! Chug! Chug!
When you're done dancing like a drunkard to Lady Gaga, make your way to the kitchen and make yourself a tall glass of ice water. Now drink it. It's important to replenish fluids first thing in the morning because after eight hours you're pretty dehydrated. It also gets your body's systems going and according to various studies, drinking ice water in the morning boosts your metabolism by getting your internal "furnace" going. Even if you find that hard to believe, there are still plenty of reasons to do it.
Exercise, or something.
Personally I like to get on my stationary bike for a bit while I watch an episode or two of Seinfeld. The idea of it sucks, but a little fasted cardio before breakfast makes you feel incredible. Trust me. Sometimes I'll follow it up by a little meditation. In place of the bike you could also do yoga, or if the weather permits, just take a walk around the block.
Oh, and stretch.
Babies for breakfast, babies for dinner
Ditch the cereal for a week, cooking yourself a tasty breakfast with a nice ratio of protein, fats, and carbs. You'll thank me.
My favorite breakfast lately? Scrambled eggs made with 1 whole omega-3 egg, 4 egg whites and chopped spinach, topped with a nuked mixture of lentils, salsa and cumin, with a side of natural uncured bacon. For those of you who think that sounds awful, it's better than it sounds. For you folks out there who think it sounds amazing...it is.
If you want to get a little schmancy, try yerba mate in place of coffee every now and again. It's a South American tea that has caffeine in it, along with theobromine, the euphoriant in chocolate. It'll give you energy and mental clarity without the jitters.
Take a Scottish shower.
No, I don't mean singing the Oscar Meyer wiener song in your best Sean Connery voice. Basically it just means turning the faucet to the cold setting for the last couple of minutes while showering. It'll be just awful the first couple of times you do it, but you'll feel like a new man/woman afterward. Other than just the wake-up factor, benefits of cold showers include improving circulation, boosting testosterone, increasing fertility and promoting the release of growth hormone (great for burning fat and gaining muscle). Of course it also closes your pores, so prepare to look smooth.
Just following these guidelines should produce almost immediate results. Why? In most cases a good morning leads to a good day, so it's best to make the most out of the first hour or two after you've arisen from your slumber.
You might even say that creating the perfect morning for yourself is the first step in achieving all your hopes and dreams.
...you might say.
Have any of your own tips to tame the dreary-eyed beast known as the morning? Wake up and comment!
In fact, as I continue to improve my cooking skills, it's becoming easier and easier all the time. To be able to cook your own delicious meals is satisfying in itself, but to be able to eat like a king whilst knowing that you've taken yourself one step closer to becoming a chiseled Adonis, well, that's just icing on the cake (figuratively speaking, of course).
Goodbye, McDonald's.
Hell, I don't even need Chipotle anymore. Sure, Chipotle, while high in calories, is probably your best bet when you're craving fast food but don't want to fill your body with body composition-wrecking balls of poisonous shit, but I've got something better for you. A food that you can eat every day without feeling guilty. A pile of scrumptious ambrosia that's fit for a god. Not one of those fat, lazy gods either. I'm talking Hercules-friendly chow here.
Now before you start with the whole "but, like, he was only half-god, bro" stuff, I'm just going to go ahead and jump right to the recipe. This makes two servings, but you can double or triple the recipe if you're looking to have lunch/dinner for a few days.
Kittoe's Fajita Bowl of Awesomeness
Get this:
Boneless, skinless chicken breast
Poblano pepper (green peppers will work if you can't find them)
Onion
Canned chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (should be in the Mexican section of the grocery store)
Fajita marinade
Lettuce (those bags of pre-shredded will work)
Salsa (I use Mrs. Renfro's chipotle corn salsa)
Low-fat or fat free sour cream
Reduced fat or fat free shredded Mexican blend or cheddar cheese
Canned pinto beans (or bean of your choice)
Do this:
1. Slice the chicken breast into bite-sized cubes. Toss in a large Ziploc bag with the fajita marinade. I don't really measure how much I use; I just make sure to use enough to get decent coverage of the chicken. Throw into the fridge and let it marinate for up to 2 hours.
2. After you've let the chicken soak up all the deliciousness of the marinade, grab the pepper and slice it into strips. Do the same with the onion. If it's a large onion, use from a third to about half of the onion; if it's small, use from a half to three quarters of it.
3. Depending on how much you can tolerate spicy foods, grab 1-3 of the chipotle peppers out of the can and chop them into a fine mush. These bad boys are hot as all hell, so be careful.
4. Heat a bit of oil in a wok or skillet with medium-high heat for a minute or so. Empty the bag of chicken into the pan. Then dump the peppers, onions, chipotle pepper mush and about a 1/2 cup of beans intot he pan, mixing it all together with a wooden spoon.
5. Let it cook for about 15 minutes, or until the chicken is cooked through, stirring and tossing often. Personally, I enjoy using my wok and tossing the food into the air; it makes me feel like I'm in an episode of Iron Chef.
6. When it's done, divide it into two bowls and top them with the lettuce, a small handful of cheese, some salsa and a dab of sour cream.
7. Serve, eat and watch as your girlfriend/boyfriend/buddy suddenly finds you incredibly impressive.
Done and done.
If you've tried this or have any variations you'd like to share, comment!
Two days ago I went to the bank to deposit my Subshack check. I was excited as I was almost broke at the time and I had just run out of several important items (protein powder, for one) and well, payday is always an exciting day for everyone, right? As usual, I was making plans in my head for all the things I was going to do once I had that sweet, sweet cash in my hand.
"I'm gonna buy a French Press and use it for loose-leaf tea!"
"I'm gonna buy seven pounds of protein powder!"
"I'm gonna start drinking red wine!"
You know the deal. Payday is awesome.
Payday brings hope.
I made my way into the grocery store where the nearest branch of my bank is located, walking with that world-on-a-string feeling. I think I may have had a little too much spring in my step, as I vaguely remember time slowing to a crawl and effortlessly leaping over an elderly woman who had fallen seconds earlier. Her cries for help were distorted and converted into the peaceful harmonies of Celtic new age artist Enya's Athair ar Neamh.
Hey, when you're feeling this good, you don't stop for anything, baby.
Anyway, the world took a sudden, violent turn for the worse when I finally made it to the bank to deposit my check. You see, the guy ahead of me in line started arguing with the clerk, which had become heated and distracting enough to break me out of my bliss and into an uncomfortable funk. I have no idea what the argument was about, but what I'd gathered was that he wasn't able to receive the money he'd come there for, and to say he wasn't very happy about it would be an understatement.
He turned around, started walking away with the grace of a drunken Sasquatch and said loud enough for everyone in a twenty-foot radius to hear:
"Alright, cunt! See ya later, cunt!"
Now, I consider myself to be pretty adept at handling awkward situations, but in this sort of situation I'm pretty useless. I can't say I was shocked at the guy's reaction; I've been working in a sandwich shop for years and I've had people throw bitch-fits because I put too many pickles on their sandwich. It really makes you wonder how anyone could flip out over such trivial things. You don't put what they consider to be "extra" mayonnaise on a person's sandwich and they react as if you just took a shit on their grandmother's corpse.
(This is where I'd normally put an awesome MSPaint drawing. Sorry, it ain't happening.)
I didn't do anything aside from give him the stink eye as he walked away. For the rest of the day, I looked back on that situation with much shame on my part. How could I just stand there and let this nice young lady, who has deposited my paycheck so many times on payday, the greatest of days, be insulted and possibly have her entire day ruined by this piece of trash? Why didn't I say anything?
Why didn't I rip my shirt off and follow him to his dark tower of evil, kicking the asses of all of his cronies as I made my way to the top for the final battle between good & evil?
Alright, it may not have worked out quite that awesomely.
I spent the rest of the day reliving that moment in my head, contemplating what I'd do if I could go back in time. Yeah, I dwell on things.
The truth is, most of us have more than likely had many moments like the one I just described. A time when somebody, anybody, should have stood up, if only to say "What the hell is wrong with you?" Sure it may have lead to confrontation, but isn't a little discomfort worth the risk when you're doing what's right?
I'm not saying that next time a guy cuts you off when you're driving you should follow him home and piss on his dog or anything. It's not even necessary to get physical. I'm just suggesting that we start living like a motherfucker.
That's right. Don't do anything by half. When you work out, train like a motherfucker. When you have sex, bang the living shit out of her. When you eat a bagel, well...put the bagel down and lose fat like a motherfucker.
Put your entire heart, soul and balls into whatever you're doing. I guarantee that in the end, we'll be happier with ourselves and what we've accomplished.
Now get out there. I'll be right behind you, all the way.
The first version of this article was originally published by myself on Feb. 16th, 2009 on another site.
Not all of it is relevant now, but me thinks it still makes for a decent read.
So I worked out today with the intensity of a coked-up barbarian...and vomited.
Apparently, it has something to do with a reaction to the breaking down of proteins in the system.
Disgusting, right?
Well my experience today was far from the disgusting. My vision blurred, I could barely stand, and I kind of felt like Charlie when he ate an entire pizza and drank 24 beers all in a single sitting.
"Guys, if I'm peeing wake me up!"
The thing that happened next, however, is what I'm here to tell you all about:
I saw the future.
At least I think I did. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't. But I've gotta admit, it all seems pretty damned possible. I've never been one to think about what is yet to come. I hate making plans. The very thought of what I'm going to do with the rest of my life makes me immediately hop on the computer and go to one of those Youtube-style porn sites and start jerking away, just so I can live in the moment again.
Some will support me. Some will betray me. And some, well...let's just say that they give a darn good blow-J. I'm damn proud of what I've accomplished, though. I'm going to write a novel, and not like any of the trash I've started and thrown aside in the past. This one gets finished, and published on a global scale. Oprah wants to make it one of her book club selections, which would easily make me millions of dollars, but I decline. I say something along the lines of "If you're taking suggestions from that yoyo-dieting messiah of the housewife, there's a good chance I don't even want you reading it." It turns out this was just an awful, awful decision and choice of words.
My tv series will begin airing in 2015 on Showtime. The two main characters are based on my good friend Ian and myself, and the two actors emulating us will eventually grow to hate the characters because they're so identified with them. It's going to be the next Seinfeld, only with hot, nude women with little butterfly tattoos on their hips bathing in the background of every scene. David Duchovney, eat your heart out.
Being on the cover of Men's Health and the article that was published in the issue inspires me to write a book full of healthy versions of your favorite meals. Full of protein and other muscle-building goodness. Try the Chicken Kiev; it's fuckin' delicious.
Now, onto the darker side of my future:
Despite my successes, my love life is in shambles. You see, I have a certain predilection toward unavailable women. Taken? Lesbian? Would rather make love to a pine cone than me?
I love you.
As it turns out, this is my downfall. They're going to find me dead on a hotel room floor surrounded by bottles full of unrequited love. No note, no phone call. I'm discovered by a married chambermaid, who had rejected my advances just hours before.
God damn, I can't let this happen. I won't let myself go that way.
There's got to be a way to break this curse. Anybody have some charred cat bones? Maybe an eyeball taken from one of those horse/zebra hybrids?
Turns out witchcraft is more of a hassle than it's worth.
The way I figure it, there's only one possible solution: Get out while I can.
If I come across a woman who's unavailable and also completely irresistible, I'm not walking, I'm running in the opposite direction. No more attempted courtship. No more becoming "the other man". No more self-emasculation.
No more time wasted.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some broadband-speed internet porn to jerk off to.
I have a confession to make; I'm a bit prejudiced against a certain "group" of people.
No, I'm not a racist. I don't hate Jews. Hell, one of my best friends is Mexican. Even though he stole my job and I can't even take him to Wal-Mart without him just randomly breaking intoLa Quebradita, I still hang out with him.
No sir. I don't hate the Mexicans.
I do, however, have a problem with people who use type-II diabetes as a crutch. For most people who have it, it's possibly one of the most curable diseases in existence. A lifestyle change is required, of course, but the end result is that you're more fit, healthy, and confident. In fact, I'd say that a lot of people, not just type-2 diabetics, can benefit from the info I'm about to give you in this post.
These are interesting times. There is more information available about the human body and how to take care of it than ever before, yet we keep getting fatter. I shouldn't have to tell you that obesity is the cause of a shit-ton of the major health problems in the U.S.. Food companies that act like they have our health in mind try to sell us boxes of processed "food" that have labels that try to mislead you into thinking it's a healthy choice.
Holy shit, whole grains! It must be good for me!
Then of course you've got Big Pharma trying to convince you you've got all these health problems because you're not taking enough drugs (I'm sorry, but you're not depressed because you have a Paxil-deficiency.) The pharmaceutical companies make billions from keeping us unhealthy and treating the symptoms instead of the diseases. The health-care system for the most part is a joke, so why do we act like they're the ones who are in charge of our bodies?
Not getting your RDA of anal leakage? Ask your doctor if Alli is right for you.
Alright, I'm done ranting for now, but before we get into the juicy stuff, I'd like to talk to you a bit about how a few things work.
Insulin
Insulin is a hormone that is secreted from the pancreas and helps regulate the metabolism of carbs and fat in the body. In essence, it primes the cells in the body for storage. Imagine insulin as midgets with potato guns full of carbs. They're shooting the carbs into muscle cells, adipose cells and the liver in order to control blood sugar.
Insulin sensitivity and resistance
Insulin sensitivity has to do with the sensitivity of insulin receptors. When sensitivity is relatively high, less insulin is needed to rid the blood of glucose (sugar) and everything is A-Okay. However, if you're constantly taking in large amounts of processed carbs and sugar, more midgets, er, insulin is needed to do the job and they tend to stick around for awhile with nothing to do, and the cells become resistant to its effects. This is due to lack of sensitivity, or "insulin resistance". Type-2 diabetes is developed when insulin resistance gets to the point where the pancreas can't even produce a sufficient amount of insulin for glucose storage. Bummer.
Lucky for us, the body is perfectly capable of healing itself, and in most cases any damage done is reversible.
Now that we've got that boring stuff out of the way, let's do it to it.
Let's get this pawty stawted.
Food!
It's amazing to me that there are actually people out there who don't understand the importance of food. You aren't one of them, are you? ...Good, because I don't think I'm alone when I say it shouldn't be so hard to believe that what put you into your body might have a profound effect on it.
If carbs are fuel, shouldn't we be using up the fuel before refueling at the carb station? Seems silly to me to try and top off an already-full tank.
"Sooo like, since I'm not running any marathons or anything, couldn't I just like, ya know, eat less carbs?"
Bingo! Trust me, meat tastes better than bread. Vegetables, when prepared well, taste way better than chips or rice. Now before you go all Atkins on me, I'm not suggesting that you completely give up carbs and start eating bacon for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I'm just saying to set about a 100 gram carb limit for yourself, making sure that the carbs you do take in come from awesome sources like beans, veggies, or possibly oats for breakfast. It's best to restrain the majority of your carb intake to breakfast and post-workout, as those are the two times of day when they're best utilized.
Fiber is important as well, as it basically slows the rate of which sugar is absorbed into the bloodstream. It also slows digestion and keeps you satiated for a longer period. As nutritionist Jonny Bowden says, fiber is the best fat-loss supplement there is. If you're not getting enough in your diet, it's a good idea to supplement. However, if you're going to buy Metamucil, to avoid embarrassment it's a good idea to make sure the cashier isn't a hottie.
The best way to eat healthy is just to keep it simple. Your plate should consist of something that used to have a name, next to something green. Easy. I'll most likely be posting my own high-protein, lower carb recipes on here in the future.
Exercise!
Really? You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you? For more reasons than I can count (I've never been great at math), if you're a living, breathing being on the planet Earth, physical activity is a must. Exercise is great for building insulin sensitivity in people who are insulin resistant, and obviously it works for fat loss as well. Start a strength training program!
Don't worry, it doesn't build that kind of sensitivity
Supplementation!
Chromium Picolinate.
Chromium is a big one. It works much like the way that certain diabetes medications work. Chromium picolinate opens the cells for business, allowing the insulin and sugar to get in so that you're not stuck with both high insulin and blood sugar. 1000 mcg a day is usually what is recommended, though you can take more.
Fish oil.
I could list about a thousand reasons to take fish oil, but the relevant reason for doing so here is that it can increase insulin sensitivity big time. I usually stick with strength coach Christian Thibaudeau's recommendation of one gram of fish oil per percentage of body fat. If you don't want to spend half the day gagging on 30 cheap fish oil pills from the grocery store, the liquid oil is your best bet. It doesn't taste like ass or anything as it's usually flavored with orange or lemon, so you don't have to worry about puking on your ice cream (what are you doing eating ice cream?!?!).
Zinc/magnesium.
Both of these have been shown to help correct insulin sensitivity issues. You can take them separately, or you can just buy a bottle of ZMA and take it before you go to bed.
Alpha-lipoic acid.
ALA has been lauded for years as a blood sugar regulator, 100mg with meals works, and it won't break the bank.
Cinnamon.
Not exactly a supplement, but cinnamon has been shown to have such dramatic effects on blood sugar that I'm almost inclined to say it has magical powers. In recent studies, researchers found that a teaspoon of cinnamon in water a half an hour before eating could decrease a meal's glycemic index as much as 29%. According to Tim Ferriss, author of The 4-Hour Body, people who switched the milk in their coffee out for a teaspoon of freshly ground Saigon or Cassia cinnamon have lost 3-5 lbs. in a week. That's pretty awesome.
That's really all I've got for now. I should probably clarify that I'm not a doctor or a nutritionist. I'm just a guy with a love for fitness/nutrition knowledge and an itchy Google trigger finger. I really hope this info helps those who need it. These are actually pretty decent guidelines for anyone looking to live a healthy lifestyle, because honestly, everyone should be living like a diabetic.
Not to say that...I mean, after they...ah, fuck it. You know what I mean.
It doesn't matter where I am, what I'm doing or if I'm getting paid to be there; I just love leaving early.
Any friends who have been out to bars or parties with me, as well as co-workers and family members, know that I'm not much for staying anywhere until a designated time or even waiting for other members of the party to put their coats on before I hit the old dusty trail.
It could be a mild case of wanderlust or just a simple fear of stagnation, but most of the time people consider it to be just downright rude.
I tell you this because I want you to know that when something stands in my way when I'm dead-set on getting the hell out of wherever I am, things can get just a wee-bit out of hand. Outwardly I'll be completely calm. Cool. Everything will appear to be normal and there will be absolutely no sign of disdain. Like Dexter, only my Dark Passenger has more of a yearning to depart than a hankerin' for killin' folks.
Even though I wouldn't have had an entirely acceptable reason to leave before, if I've been denied the right to shake the scene, suddenly my surroundings become unbearable. I'll have the overwhelming feeling of being imprisoned in a small dark room like Jodi Foster in Panic Room. Only in my case, I'd most likely welcome the heavily armed thugs that are attempting to blowtorch through the steel door and kidnap me.
...I don't know, man.
I'm highly competitive by nature, and over the years have learned that no good comes from throwing a hissy-fit to get my way. The best way to defeat your enemy is to wait patiently until the perfect moment to strike presents itself. I'm a cobra.
Contemplate. Plan. Execute.
Shove a cucumber in the tailpipe of her car? Dump a bucket of mayonnaise on the engine? ...Nah. I'll just steal her car keys.
As anyone who has ever owned a car knows, it's extremely frustrating to lose your car keys. It almost immediately incites a state of panic in most individuals, as car keys can be the one thing standing in the way of you and getting to work on time, keeping your dinner reservation or even getting laid. Between having to retrace every step you took since you last used them and having useless morons say things like "It'll be in the last place you look!", it's easy to lose your composure and become overwhelmed by a fiery, Carrie-like rage.
Following through on deceitful plans that are less than well thought-out (hiding a person's car keys, for example) can be tricky. You have to ignore all the questionable decisions you've made, avoid letting any sort of guilt sink in and just power through with your head down, as to not expose yourself to the possibility of being found out. You must keep your cool when the shit hits the fan, or risk having all of the shit scraped off of the fan and then flung in your direction.
Someone wise might say that this is a valuable lesson in why you shouldn't lower yourself to the level of being conniving and evil just so you can go home and re-watch the first season of Arrested Development for the fourth time.
